r/SwappingSecretsPod

I’ve been ENM for several years and solo/exploring polyamory more in the past year. I’ve now had several men tell me they can’t/don’t use condoms and just get tested instead. Which is great ( plus I have an IUD) but I’d still prefer that extra protection until we get to know each other better. I’m in my early 30s and partners are 30s-40s and typically they have been in the poly community a while.

I feel crazy, is this a norm or do I just find assholes??? Lol

I just need to rant for a minute, but also hopefully this helps some of the people who are getting started and wondering about the different experiences for men vs women in ENM.

backstory: my partner (31F) and I (34m) opened 5 years ago on her side so she could explore her sexuality. 3 years ago, after seeing some of her good experiences and realizing how lonely I was getting, she encouraged me to open up on my side as well. Initially she was only seeing women because I was insecure, after work in therapy and stuff I got to a place where I was ok with her seeing men. she hadn't taken me up on it yet. I've had 2 dates, one ended in a kiss, girl crashed out on me the day after about her ex and ended things. Other we just mutually didn't feel the spark. She's had several long term relationships, and multiple FWBs. Hasn't been easy, but I've worked through it.

Now, recently she met this guy through a social event, they grabbed drinks, she told me ahead of time that she was sorta maybe into him and might want to take me up on the offer of seeing another man if I was still ok with it and the other guy was interested. Fam, this guy shows up to drinks and she mentions me, he's like "oh I thought this was a date?" shes like "well I have a ring" kinda wanting to see if he was trying to cheat or what the deal is, and he's just very casually like "well there are a lot of less traditional relationships now, I thought you all might be poly." so anyway, now they're moving forward with maybe dating maybe not but at least seeing where things go.

Meanwhile, I've caught feelings for the occasional friend, through rec volleyball, at the gym, friends of friends from my social circle, hell, even the cute girl I would bump into in the mailroom in my building and chat with (all of this to point out, I'm not some like social shut in wondering why dating is so hard) and every single time when I've either directly or subtly tried to bring up ENM, my relationship status, dating, I lose that friend either because it's awkward for me to have hit on them or because they think poly/ENM is weird.

Yall, it's rough out there for guys. I need a hug and a good cry.

I'll preface by saying that I think we all have a right to define ourselves with the terms that feel right for us. There's just always been something about people referring to being "in the lifestyle" that weirds me out. I can't even totally put my finger on why. Maybe it's just too reminiscent of people referring to "the gay lifestyle". It also feels like it leans more towards swinger culture and less in the realm of poly, which is totally fine, just an observation. Anybody else have this feeling? Thoughts?

Not too long ago, I started going to a sex club. As I was making the rounds, a pretty woman waved at me, so I waved back and sat down to talk to her. She was sitting on her own. As we were talking, our shoulders were touching, which I liked.

At some point, her male partner comes over and joins the conversation. This was fine with me; however, what was not fine is he immediately put his hand on my knee and started stroking it. This was uncomfortable, and it went on for way too long. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know how to speak up in front of his partner, who was touching me in a way I liked. 

As an aside, I’m considering being open to couples looking for threesomes, but it worries me that I struggle to set boundaries. I’ve gotten a lot better at it than I used to be, but I still struggle when there’s an audience. I’m not interested in the couple in question, as I later found out they’re a package deal and I was only interested in the woman. 

I’ve considered some ways I could have set boundaries with the man, but I was worried that I would upset the woman, or that she would think her touching me was unwanted. Would saying “please don’t touch me” sound too harsh? What are some phrases I can use in the future? Has anyone had to set boundaries with one half of a couple during a threesome, and if so, how did you handle it?

This is for all the couples who are being unethical about this. My wife the other day was supposed to meet with another woman for some ff play. Other woman was married but said her husband wouldn't be involved. I drove my wife to drop her off for their first meet and low and behold the other husband was there. They try to "convince" my wife to cheat on me and have a threesome. Never seen her run back to the car so fast. Don't be this couple

Edit: thanks for all the supportive comments. Sadly I've had so many dms saying we were in the wrong here and they had the right to do this.

My husband and I went to a lifestyle club with another couple we’re friends with. We’ve swapped with them before, but we’ve always had a “no kissing on the lips” rule. This time, my husband suggested we loosen that rule, and I didn’t see an issue with it.

While we were all playing, I was on one bed and my husband was on another right next to us with his partner. The other guy came up behind me and started kissing me, and I kissed him back, thinking it was okay since we had just agreed to that boundary change.

Afterward, my husband told me it made him uncomfortable and that it looked too intimate to him. Now he’s upset, and I feel bad because I genuinely didn’t think I was crossing a line—we had just talked about changing that exact rule.

How can I reassure him that it wasn’t emotional or personal, just part of the moment? And how do we move forward so we’re both on the same page again?

Does anyone else go through things like this? I don’t want to continue if it hurts anyone.

So recently I've slept with the first person outside of my relationship, which my partner encouraged me too, and immediately once I was finished, I had to run to the bathroom and have a panic attack. Even now after a couple hours after the ordeal I feel so ashamed and disgusting. I was drunk so I'm sure that had something to do with this but I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else? Or maybe this type of stuff isn't for me. I need help