r/FenceSitters

Long time lurker, first time poster (apologize in advance for formatting as I’m on mobile) as I feel very lost on the decision of whether or not to have kids.

Some backstory on the matter, I (24F) wanted kids when I was much younger, kind of one of those little girl fairytales of getting married, having kids, etc etc. I didn’t put much thought into the decision until I was out of college and then engaged to my long time partner (now ex). Because of the shit that I went through in that relationship and parenting what felt like the whole damn family, I decided I didn’t want kids and didn’t want a tiny human dependent on me for EVERYTHING. However, life has changed pretty dramatically for me now. I met my current partner (33M) through work and he helped me not only get out of my previous and frankly very abusive relationship but has shown me what a partner should do to love and support you from the big big shit to the smallest mundane day to day things. When we first started talking, we had ripped the bandaid off on a lot of the big relationship breakers such as whether or not to have kids. Well we both at that point were solidly no, but now things have changed so much that it makes me second guess things. We recently purchased a house and are doing all the big life things. Additionally, others in the family are starting to have kids so if anything, now kind of feels like the time to decide? The biggest things for me is that he has made me feel a want or desire to have that type of bond of having a child together but there’s numerous reasons why I still feel like the decision is and should be a no. For starters, with the political climate of America currently, we collectively don’t feel like it is safe for me personally to go through that as while we live in a state where things are relatively okay for the moment, but that could change and it could very much put my life on the line. Secondly, bringing a child into the world now just feels so wrong. I’m terrified of the prospect of having a little girl and having her grow up in this world and live through the same traumas I have. Thirdly, I know it would be a huge lifestyle change from how we live now and without a good perspective on the child free versus not lifestyle, I am not sure how to proceed with thinking about whether I would be okay with that change and if it’s quote unquote “worth it”. Finally, there’s the fear of just not being good parents (more so on his end I would say). I’ve always been told I would be a good mom and had relatively decent parents in terms of emotional support and stability but his childhood was heavily burdened by his parents BS (divorce, court after court battle, mom with abusive alcoholic boyfriends, etc etc etc.). So for him, it’s a fear of somehow repeating that cycle and doing the same damage to another child as was done to him.

Any advice from any and all perspectives on the matter would be greatly appreciated. I really just want more insight and guidance on how to move forward from here.

Has anyone experienced this: being so good with random kids that you never hear the end of ‘you’ll make a great mom etc’

I grew up as the first child of 4 and did a fair bit of parenting which I’m pretty sure is why I am able to hang out with kids or even calm them down when everyone else is at their wits end.

At best I should probably be a sleep trainer 😂 but with time and age (39F) it’s becoming the kind of comment that makes me pause

Not to mention I’m analytical about everything else in life - so I’ve started looking for tips or even frameworks of how to think through the question itself. They didn’t teach that in school.. anyway, glad to find this sub, past comments are greatly appreciated and if resources are out there to think through this, would appreciate the shout

Is FOMO actually the true reason some people decide to have children?

I’ve noticed quite a few friends and people on social media who used to say they didn’t want kids, but later changed their minds and had them. When asked why, they often say they now feel more financially stable or emotionally mature enough for it.

That made me wonder whether becoming “ready” genuinely changes how people feel about parenthood—or whether part of the motivation is FOMO, social pressure, or not wanting to miss out on a major life experience as more people around them start families.

I’m asking partly because I’m questioning my own motives. I’m 36, and I’ve never had a strong maternal feeling or a clear moment where I knew I wanted children. For most of my life, it just never felt like something I deeply wanted.

But now that more people around me are having kids, and I’m feeling increasing pressure from family and society, I find myself wondering if I’m starting to want children because I truly want to be a parent—or because I’m afraid of missing out, being different, or ending up with a life that others see as less meaningful.

Has anyone else wrestled with this? How did you figure out whether your desire for children was genuine versus driven by outside pressure, FOMO, or fear of regret?

Curious to hear honest perspectives.