How I was abused as a child by my parents, and how it shaped my views on not having children.
Many people ask whether my parents had anything to do with my antinatalism and I always used to shun the idea, but honestly, they had everything to do with it.
Growing up as Muslims, where beating kids is recommended by the religion, if the child is not praying at a certain age or disobedient, at least by the Islam we practiced in Mombasa, Kenya, we were constantly beaten at the Islamic school but nothing could triumph over the beatings I received at home...
1, sometimes 2 hour sessions of straight abuse by my father when I was between 6 to 10 years was the worst time of my life. My father was a military man and would not be much into our personal lives. My mum was a teacher and would be the one who goes to family meetings, school meetings etc. They played bad cop good cop where my mum would compile the "wrong" things I would do and my father, despite not always being there, always knew what I was doing, which ofcourse my mum would be the source. It would be a ritual, after an amount of time, they'd agree that it is time for me to be straightened up, my mum would feed my dad the info and he would do the beating.
It was the worst, I used to be asked to strip naked, maybe only on underwear and I had to face the belt. Blood, marks and pain. 1 sometimes 2 hour session of unending horror. Beatings that would have me crying to the point of no tears, where I was beaten for "mistakes", questioned on them, beaten for my answers and then beaten for crying. The belt would get cut, another one would be brought by my mum.
While trusting my mum, she would lure me into going to the room to "just speak to my father", almost like it was not going to be a beating. As a child, I found no escape from these adult, adults in their 30s btw. And just when one thing ended, another thing that only my mum knew was brought up and the same abuse would go on and on while my mum sat outside, acting helpless, believing that it is the way and sometimes would come in where my father would act like he's threatening her to sustain the good cop bad cop dynamic. But this was all a game as she stayed with him and fed him more reasons to beat me for the next time, as she closed the door on me after luring me in and then again acting helpless.
After the horror sessions, my mum would act like the saviour but it did continue, it also continued with my little brother and I have more vivid memories of him where he would get beaten to the point of being stomped on the head by my father.
When it was happening to my brother, I felt that we had no option but him to go through it as well, that just like my mom was powerless I was powerless, but again, she provided the content, he abused us while she watched and the cycle continued.
I had to now be the adult and step in, I had to tell my brother what to say, never to argue even if he was right, to shut up, to just say sorry even if the accusation was wrong, to maybe wear puffy clothes which he would be asked to remove. Sometimes, I would go in with other evidence that would help my brother as I watched my mum do nothing outside the door, just listening because she also believed that was the right way. We were being taught not to stand up for injustice and that suffering is inevitable.
While we laugh about how much we used to get beaten with my brother, we both have not fully understood what that did to us.
As a child, being whopped using a belt, in a manner where you see slaves being whopped in movies for hours, with no end in site, by your parent, to the point of bleeding and getting marks, when there is no one to help must have done so much that we have not understood yet. Trauma that we're yet to even unpack.
My brother and I always then dreamt of running away one day, we didn't know where to, but we knew we wanted to run away. One day, this will end, we said to each other after the beatings, as we suffered we thought, one day we will be free, far away from our parents.
Living in Kenya, where we knew nothing about children's rights, the only other option was being street children, and in a country with extreme poverty, that meant exposure to different abuse and exploitation, so we had to become accommodative of being beaten, we adapted. We had our talking points ready before beatings, we had learned how to “fool” my dad. Our answers to the question "why?" would always be, "there is no reason" even if there was one, because we learned that submission was the way.
After the beating sessions, my father would the next day cuddle us, talk to us and tell us how much he loved us, bought us treats and food. Take us out, talk to us softly over his points that he did the day before like a gentle parent, I got my first phone when I was 10 after a merciless beating.
When I visited my cousins after primary school and saw that they had cool parents, I knew I needed to escape my home and in highschool I wanted to go as far as I possibly could to be away from my parents and luckily, I did go to boarding school where I got a scholarship to go to a different country at the age of 14.
Growing up, I always used to think that I would have a different path, I’d be gentle with my children, I wanted to be a different parent than what my parents were to me.
Of course this idea left my head when I understood that I have not yet overcome my trauma, I decided never to have children as I understood that I don't even know how much the abuse affected me.
Of course later, when I got to know more about everything, the world, and the state of the world and life, I understood that I will never have children but, the main reason was indeed my upbringing.
Today, after the abuse that we went through, my parents are still not remorseful, on a high horse saying that that was love. I can't wait to love them back the only way they understand as they now try to fuck up my youngest brother’s life. Acting like taking care of him is a favour when they dare the ones who decided to have sex and birth him without his consent.
And this time, as my parents get older and can no longer physically beat my other siblings they are trying to use financial abuse and threats to withdraw financial support as a belt to punish my little brother all that while they travel together.