[Acne] I have to cope but how?
I’ve tried everything. Every diet. Every specialist. Every product. I’ve tried to heal the root cause but I am the exception for every proven method of healing. I don’t ever react how they say I should. Everything only gets worse. It’s been so long that the scarring is worse than the acne now. I’m tired, I don’t leave the house and don’t ever expect any romantic relationships in my life now. The best years of my life were taken. Wonderful things still happened during then but I experienced them as if I were trapped in a mirrored box. I can’t eat anything I want anymore since everything inflames me even though I’ve taken out everything inflammatory. I’ve wasted so much money on advice that made me worse. I can’t even think normally anymore. 80% of my thoughts can be related back to my skin. I’m the only one I know who looks like this. Everyone around me is perfect with no effort. I must have done something seriously wrong. I used to be different. I would even dare to say I was marginally pretty before this. That’s what I envy most. I envy that everyone my age has hit their peak in beauty and fashion. But I have gotten worse. I used to care about my clothes but I don’t bother anymore. My face clashes with my nice clothes. I know people who have never gone through this severity of acne think I’m insane, dramatic and self absorbed for feeling this miserable. But they could not possibly understand the perspective I have been forced to see through because of this. I cannot just leave the house as I please like they can. They do not understand the things I have lost that they have and don’t even value. I’ve spent 6 years trying my hardest to change with no results, which I believe is nearly the definition of insanity. All I want is the psychological impact of this to lessen. I’m not looking for advice to heal myself. I’m wondering how do I accept I will be ugly forever without it crushing me. I know 99% of my value is elsewhere but no one can see it without getting to know me. And everyone around me doesn’t seem to want to. I don’t sound like it now but I don’t let people know this negativity in my real life. I try to not make people uncomfortable but they don’t offer me the same luxury. They look at me in a way they didn’t used to before acne. I try not to bother anyone with my feelings because this is “not a big deal”. And I agree it’s not the worst thing to ever happen. There are far worse problems in life. I’m so privileged it makes me sick the way I hate my situation when it’s so stupid. It’s stupid yet I can’t lift this heaviness off my chest. I never stop thinking about it. I want nothing in life but to look normal again. To not be bothered by what new thing caused more problems for my face. It hurts to cry even because I’m so inflamed. Emoting feels like a bruise. I have tried my hardest not to be a victim even though this situation could warrant it a little. I really have no conclusion to this sentiment. I just needed to get it off my chest as a go on with my life. Hopefully I can at least never judge someone by how they look ever again in my life. At least one good thing must come of this and perhaps it’s that perspective. I miss my old self and even the ignorance I had when I looked normal. I’m deeper now, but uglier much like my scars.