a cry for help
I am crying as I write this but I do not know what else to do, where else to go, or who to turn to: there is no one I can - or would like - to turn to.
For the past few weeks (if not months) I have been doing whatsoever I can to disassociate from life. I have been drowning myself in work or playing video games. Heck, I have been putting on podcasts or BBC radio whenever I attempt to sleep in order to keep my mind distracted from thinking about life.
However, it rained and hailed cats and dogs in Lahore today; a city I recently moved to from Islamabad. I got caught in traffic for three hours after work and was left with nothing but plenty of free time to overthink everything that has gone wrong in my life.
I could not help but reflect back on every single instance my heart fell prey to unrequited love and trauma:
(1) fives year of unrequited love for a straight best friend from the age of 14 to 19;
(2) fives years of another unrequited love for another straight best friend from the age of 19 to 24 whose wedding I ended up having to partake in as his best man; and
(3) one year of unrequited love for a bisexual man who led me on and subsequently proceeded to get engaged to a girl.
As a 27 year old man now, who used to be hopelessly romantic, I have given up on love. In fact, a significant part of me has become bitter towards the notion of it. I once used to live vicariously through couples and would feel happy seeing people in love but have now come to a point where I dislike being around them. I'm broken. I am also aware that no one is going to save me; it is something I have made peace with. Therefore, I am trying to save myself. However, healing has been incredibly tough... and lonely.
Most of my friends from Islamabad (the city I have spent most of my life in) and I seldom speak. We are all busy with work and when we make time for each other, I mostly listen to them rant in lieu of letting them in on my life; I feel incredibly uncomfortable ranting to them - in fact, to anyone irl for that matter.
To top it off, I barely have friends in Lahore. I tried really hard to make some friends here; however, most people either turned out to be really weird or narcissistic.
At this point, I genuinely feel alone in a world with over 8 billion human beings. Tonight is definitely one of those nights where it feels like breathing my last would not really affect anyone except maybe my parents.
I am tired... so so tired.