Came out to my fiance, did NOT go well
26 MTF here. Posted here about my egg crack not long ago. As the title says, I came out to my fiance who I've been with for 11 years, engaged for 2, and it did not go well whatsoever. I thought she wasn't transphobic but the things she said and her reaction was very hurtful. She told me it was selfish, that I was ruining her life, that all I care about is me and putting this above her shows it. She called me weird, gross, said it made her uncomfortable to be around me. She said our relationship is likely over, regardless of if I decide to go ahead with transition or not. She said she wants a masculine guy and she wouldn't be able to date someone "fruity" which frankly is annoying because just because I feel like my identity lines up with being female, doesn't mean I want to dress super girly or act girly? I guess in my research since my egg crack I've really broken down how I think of gender, and I can't blame her because I used to think the same as her until I had my egg crack. Anyway I told her because I needed to get this out of my head and actually talk it out with someone, I told her because I wanted to be vulnerable and honest with my partner of 11 years who is the most important person in my life. I thought she'd be more understanding, maybe shocked still, but understanding. Instead she now thinks I'm a freak and won't ever look at me the same way again. She didn't let me sleep on our bed last night, wouldn't let me near her, and even went as far as to get things ready for moving out. I felt so numb and overwhelmed by this reaction, I wanted to cry but I also immediately shut down internally and felt nothing. I laid on the couch staring at the ceiling until I fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I did something wrong. Clearly my emotions mean something if they felt strong enough to tell her. But was it worth it? I don't absolutely hate being a man , Infact I could probably live the rest of my life this way and be relatively happy. But you can't uncrack an egg. I tried to smother these feelings. It doesn't work anymore. If I did repress, it wouldn't be as easy as before. I know as I get older I'd regret never trying to go for it. And at the end of the day, sure I'm okay as a man, but I WANT to explore these feelings. Ive learned there isn't anything wrong with that. I've learned I absolutely do not see gender like a cis person and I don't particularly like the limits society tries to keep us within. And I feel absolutely awful because telling her kind of felt like making these feelings real for me, and the relief of that is kind of outweighing any grief of potentially losing her. Sure it's still painful, but the fact that she immediately was disgusted and pushed me away kind of upset me enough that I don't care. I don't know. I'm feeling a massive amount of emotions right now and just need to vent about it. Love you guys❤️