Need advice I guess
I had used again a few days ago. I was living with my bf- my best friend and love of my life and my father. When I had gotten home in a few hrs my bf was angry as hell that I had went out and was having like an episode. He held up a knife to me and my dad called the cops. Now there's a restraining order for a year. My d also has anger issues and has been mean as heck to me in all this when he knows I also have depression and BPD my mind s already so negative and I'm my worst enemy, my bf is deeply sorry his mother told me and he still wants to marry me as long I get sober. But now I can't see him and idk if the protection order will be lessened from the full stay way I find out April 13th.
I'm not taking care of myself, barely eating, barely sleeping, I havent used but I've just been trying to keep myself alive. I don't have one friend or family member. I'm never speaking to my dad again at the names and stuff he's said to me, mentally abusing me verbally while I'm going through the worst days of my life. Blaming me for everything and telling me I ruin lives . Calling me a Cr@çkwh@r3 and telling me he'll give me change if he sees me homeless and so on. I take all these insults as if it's a knife cause with BPD I feel it all physically too. Idk what the point of this post even is. Am I to blame for someone holding a knife to me? Tell me honestly. Cause I thought it wasn't okay. I still love my bf and want to be with him cause I empathetic towards mental health but I'm also confused as to what the knife was supposed to be/do.
At this point I don't even care to use, I'm only here because of my cat. And yes when I say I have no one I literally mean it. Not like just saying it. If I survive this I'll remember every word my dad said to me when I'm sober . I'm done with him. Also my own mother told me to leave her alone and that I'm an abuser for telling her I'm suïcìd4l.