Feeling Strange After First AA
Hi Friends,
Quick background - I'm a 30 year old freelancer who runs a small company in the creative field. I'm arguably pretty successful / well known + liked for my age!
My particular affliction is basically the classic "cannot stop once I start drinking." Not all the time, but most of the time. I don't ever buy booze to have at home, I never get done with work and think "damn I need a drink," I don't like drinking while eating... BUT I have on many, many occasions gone for "just one drink," which more times than not turns into somehow finding blow, which goes hand and and with drinking until the birds start to chirp and its sunrise - bad decisions, hugging the toilet, terrible hangovers and depression for days. Etc. Used to be a twice a week thing and was definitely impacting my life (bad breakup, burnt a bridge with a friend, work struggles). Now it's maybe a once a month thing but it always starts with drinking and it always leads to gnarly-ness.
After the most recent sunrise party night, my girlfriend (who has no issues whatsoever with substances) urged me to check out AA. Not in a dramatic "you're ruining your life" way. Just in a "maybe check it out and just catch a vibe" way. I know some friends and clients in the program. So I went with a sober friend.
I've been to two meetings. At the second meeting it turned out I knew a LOT of folks there. Some of these people are friends of clients of mine and people I know through the creative "scene" that I inhabit. So I suddenly felt really self conscious that I was seen here and publicly being forced to identify as an alcoholic (you basically have to raise your hand when they do the intro, you have to announce your name and say "I'm an alcoholic" etc. etc). It also didn't help that I'm technically in my first 30 days of sobriety, and I didn't stand when they asked newcomers to stand and felt a bit judged from the people who knew I was a newcomer.
There was also a public share moment, and frankly no one was sharing. I thought "fuck it - I didn't stand during the newcomer thing- let me make up for it by sharing." I pretty much said what I said above about my proclivity for partying, can't stop once I start, etc. I was sorta cheeky and people laughed. I kept it real short. Cool.
Didn't help that the guy after me gets up there and goes: "I'm X and I'm a REAL alcoholic." Immediately made me feel weird. Like maybe I shouldn't be here. Am I even an alcoholic? Now all these socialite people around town SEE me as an alcoholic and word will spread. Idk, this could just be me coming to terms with my own substance abuse, but the whole thing started to trip me out.
Lastly, this also feels like somewhat of a private journey for me. I understand the importance of community and camaraderie, and I know that's part of coming to terms with one's substance abuse - but the whole forum and social aspect of it all felt like too much. Too forceful. People are suddenly asking my for my number after, saying we should talk, etc etc. Appreciated, but I'm not sure I can relate to all of these people and it all feels a little pushy.
Long story short - now I'm feeling like "well I guess now I'm an AA guy" and I feel almost initiated into it. Like suddenly if I don't answer these people, or stop going to meetings, or are seen at a party in 3 months from now with a drink.... I'm suddenly the enemy. A failure. Like once I left the meeting I felt more like an alcoholic than when I arrived - and not in a "wow I'm realizing how much I have a problem" and more of a "fuck now I'm initiated into this fucking thing" and all these people now identify me as one of them.
Idk! This is all new to me - any insight is appreciated at this juncture ;)
p.s. I also think it's weird that it's "alcoholic anonymous," but then half these people have stories about being homeless, shooting up heroin, all kinds of other drugs and then they don't seem to mention alcoholic in the slightest? And the big book is so laughably dated and frankly a lil chauvinistic that it seems kinda crazy that all these smart people I know are so dedicated to it. Idk, the whole thing and even "the steps" feel really funny to me. Sigh.