Hi Everyone —
It’s been almost two decades since I left the church (I was 20). I’m currently in a sort of crisis of self, which pops up about every decade for me. This one includes dealing with chemical dependence, quitting a school program that I could no longer keep up with while working to support myself, aging as a woman, and the ever-increasing world discombobulation and despair.
Throughout birth and adolescence, as some of you may be able to relate, I was wired to be motivated by two emotions: fear and shame. I was guided to distrust my gut and instincts and to look to God (a very inconsistent dude) and anyone else as litmus tests for whether I was being “good” or “bad.” There’s this subconscious belief that I’m always being watch and assessed. Why my current crisis is hardest is because it’s not about fixing my life (I’ve been through worse), but it’s because I’ve realized that I still have no internal compass. Almost everything I do is from this preoccupation of others perceptions (which are impossible to know, anyway!). And if I don’t think they would approve of my life choices, I spend hours concocting narratives to “explain” myself. The ironic thing is that, as an adult, I’ve surrounded myself with incredibly nonjudgmental people, but I’m still hooked on this narrative of being “good” or “bad” and that their love is conditional. Even though God and most of the worst people I’ve known are gone from my life, that paranoia of being surveilled (not even talking about Google, etc. here) is *always present* and paralyzing.
I’ve been to therapy several times and I take medications for mental health, which have been helpful, but none of these folks understand the irrational fixations I have due to chronic religious trauma. Like, I know that these are just thoughts, but they were hardwired into me during my formative years. And even now, when I fail to be successful in any way, real or perceived, I feel tremendous shame and preoccupation with ideas that I’m “evil.” Does anyone else deal with this? How do you cope? How do you break the cycle? My fear is that, as I age, I’ll crystallize with self-hate and project that onto others as I’ve seen so many Christians do.