23f needing advice on polygamy please
Hi everyone, I’m looking for honest advice/support from people who are actually experienced with polygamy/poly relationships because I’m feeling very conflicted and emotionally overwhelmed trying to understand whether this could realistically work for me long term.
My boyfriend (22, almost 23) and I (23) have known each other for around 5 years, and we’ve recently become serious. He’s honestly amazing to me in many ways — generous, driven, caring, family-oriented, and genuinely wants to provide for the people he loves. He has the financial means to support a family and has already shown me through actions that he wants to build a stable future. He wants children very badly and talks a lot about wanting a large family, helping everyone reach their goals, and creating a strong family unit.
Early on, he told me that in the future he may want multiple wives. At first I was honestly disgusted and appalled by the idea. I saw it as something that mainly benefited the man and sounded emotionally painful and unfair. The more I’ve read this forum though, the more I can at least understand the appeal and beauty some people find in it — especially the sense of family/community, shared support, raising children together, women still being able to pursue careers, etc.
At the same time, I’m still struggling emotionally with the idea of sharing my partner. I naturally lean much more monogamous emotionally. I like closeness, exclusivity, reassurance, and I worry about feeling left out or emotionally replaced. I’m also someone who has attachment issues and gets very bonded to my partner.
My boyfriend says he doesn’t want to rush into anything and would want to start with one healthy relationship, one wife, and children first. He says if that fulfills him emotionally then maybe that’s enough, but if not, he could see himself expanding the family years down the line once the foundation is healthy and stable. He also says he no longer wants cheating or messy dynamics and wants honesty and structure instead.
For context, he did cheat in a previous relationship with me years ago, which he deeply regrets and says he never wants to repeat again. He’s admitted he likes attention from multiple women, but says what he ultimately wants is long-term family structure and commitment, not random hookups.
As for me, I’ve had a pretty unconventional dating past. I’ve been with 100+ men, dated multiple people casually at once in the past, and have always been very social. But in actual serious relationships, I’ve always been monogamous. I don’t really have much desire to sleep with other people anymore, but I do enjoy freedom socially — things like traveling, going to raves/festivals, dancing, flirting, kissing, and just feeling free and expressive. I’ve never actually gone a full year without sex, which is another reason I wonder if maybe I need time to figure myself out more before settling down fully.
One of my biggest conflicts right now is that I’ve always dreamed of traveling the world and living somewhere warm like Australia for at least a year. I’ve never even lived alone before. Part of me really wants family, children, stability, and building a life with him, while another part of me feels like I still need independence, self-discovery, and life experience before fully settling.
He fears that he’s just an “option” to me while he sees me as the woman he wants to build with. But honestly, I feel almost the opposite — I see him as a huge catch and “the prize” in many ways because of everything he offers emotionally and practically. I’m the one struggling with whether I’m ready to fully settle into the life he wants yet.
He has also mentioned another woman he once thought could fit into this kind of future dynamic because he thinks we’d get along well, which honestly both scares me and makes me curious. I’m trying to keep an open mind instead of instantly rejecting everything because I genuinely love him and don’t want fear or lack of exposure to be the only reason I close myself off from something that could potentially work.
At the same time, I don’t want to force myself into a relationship structure that will slowly emotionally destroy me just because I love someone.
So I guess my questions are:
- Can someone who naturally prefers monogamy genuinely grow into this kind of relationship in a healthy way?
- Did any of you initially feel disgusted, jealous, territorial, or emotionally resistant before eventually becoming comfortable?
- How do you know the difference between “this isn’t for me” versus simply fear/insecurity/lack of exposure?
- Is it a red flag that the relationship freedoms feel somewhat unequal (he’s more comfortable with himself having multiple wives than me having other male partners and even male friends)?
- Should someone in their early 20s slow down before making permanent family decisions if they still feel a strong desire to travel and explore life first?
I’d really appreciate thoughtful advice from people with actual experience instead of immediate judgment because I’m genuinely trying to understand myself and this situation honestly.