Food Addiction is going to kill me
I don't know how to start this, or even really what I want to say, but food addiction is controlling my entire life and has been for a long time. I (25F) have been struggling with this for as long as I can remember, leaving me with chronic health issues, self image and confidence issues and destroying my life. Not only do I binge on food, but I also eat large amounts regularly day-to-day. It is mostly always unhealthy food. The hunger I feel is absolutely unbearable, where I feel so physically sick I can't focus or work properly when I try and change my addiction.
From the time between 2020 and mid-2025, I could probably estimate the number of times I have cooked myself a meal to roughly 20-ish times. Every other meal of my day in that time was either junk food such as instant noodles, or fast food. During this time I really struggled with mental health issues, along with restrictive dieting and obsessive food-related issues. I would say it is unsafe for my mental health to end up in that position again, especially with restrictive eating and the obsessions I get with trying to maintain it. I did manage to lose weight, but none of that was due to healthy eating. I continued to eat junk or fast food, just restricting myself to eating very little. I got to 91kgs through the restrictive dieting, my max would have been 115kgs at that time.
I moved to my current home in late 2025, and at first the environment change really helped with cooking and maintaining a healthier (not healthy) diet, but in the last five or so months that has reverted back to the start. I still spend roughly $600 worth of food delivery services and fast food purchases a week. I am obese, 137kgs at my heaviest. I'm only 5'4.
I recently within the last year have been diagnosed with ADHD, and started taking Vyvanse (plus a smaller, faster release dexamphetamine throughout the day as boosts). I am currently on 70mg, with the option to keep going higher until "it's the right amount" according to my psychiatrist. I can only credit taking this medication to helping my lose enough weight to reach 125kgs, and limiting some food noise, however I am still consistently struggling. At times where I have been trying to diet, or take certain foods out of my diet, I find myself crying on my kitchen floor and have even reached for self-harm before ultimately caving in and relapsing into the cycle of eating I used to have. Cooking food is exhausting, even though I tend to enjoy it. I even binge eat home cooked meals when I actually manage to cook.
I have several health issues all impacted by or caused by eating, PCOS, GERD and Gout to name the few larger ones. I have requested to see dieticians, however my requests keep getting denied by my health care providers as they do not see a significant reason for me to see one.
I would say my self confidence and image has had irreparable damaged due to this addiction. I no longer leave my house, outside of going to work. I have no energy to make myself “presentable”. I haven’t even worn makeup or clothing besides pyjamas or my work uniform in months. I used to enjoy social gatherings and events, but I now avoid and often cancel plans due to the thought of leaving my house. All of this is because of the way I look.
I have been to several mental health care professions, including ones specialising in food related disorders, but none of them have diagnosed me with an eating disorder. I have even told them that because of the pain I get from GERD I throw up my food after eating, which technically makes GERD worse but it is also the only way to stop me from vomiting while I sleep and waking up choking on the vomit.
I am afraid I am going to die, one way or another, from the way I eat and continue to abuse food. Whether that is due to a health issue such as obesity, diabetes which I apparently have managed to fend of this long, or by my own hand when things get unbearable mentally.
If any of this info seems hard to understand, I'm happy to answer questions. I had originally written this much longer, and have had to cut down much of the details, including lots of the detailed information about my life between years.
I do not know what to do. I do not know where to start as every method I have tried has lead me back to the same place. I ultimately need help, before I end up killing myself or dying from a heart attack. This is my plead for help.