I think I’m losing myself (24F)
In the past few months, I’ve noticed this horrible decline. At least it feels horrible to me.
I used to be able to wake up at 5:30 am for work and make it out the door by 7:15 (I have to get to work by 8:00 am and it takes a bit) with no rushing at all. Now, I’m lucky if I can drag myself out of bed before 6:45 am and I rush out the door. It’s not lack of sleep causing this because most nights, I’m either asleep or in bed by 9:00 pm. My husband has to get up for work at 4:45 am so he can be there at 6:00 am so we go to bed early to accommodate that.
I barely read anymore. I’m usually scrolling my phone. In fact, the phone scrolling has gotten so bad that it’s affecting my work. I am already not enjoying my job very much. My boss is a perfectionist and we can never get anything done on time or at all because it has to be perfect. And he keeps accepting project upon project when we haven’t done much of anything or made any headway. Sometimes, he doesn’t care. Other times, he pushes me and my coworker to try to get a bunch of stuff done within a few days and suddenly decides he cares again. I get no guidance. I’ve asked for support on several things but in his words: “It doesn’t really matter. We shouldn’t care that much.” Our department’s reputation has taken a nosedive and I’m embarrassed to work here sometimes. I need structure. I need guidance. I need achievable deadlines. I haven’t gotten that in a long time. Sometimes, he holds onto a project for such a long time and me and my coworker have no idea about it until someone asks him where all that stuff is and he passes it off to us because he’s too busy with other stuff and forgot about this.
Due to this deteriorating work environment( it wasn’t always like this which makes is sadder), I can’t stop scrolling and watching YouTube at work. I have no go guidance and really nothing to do until he starts finally looking at my work and helping or letting the box ticks off. My screen time is awful. I also talk to chatGPT a lot like just having it write me fun stories to read based on the prompts it gives me. I literally can’t believe I’m asking it do that. I feel disgusting when I do it bc I’m consuming so many resources but it’s like an addiction. I’m addicted to ChatGPT, YouTube, and social media.
Whenever I get off work, I have a long commute home. Two out of the five days a week, I go to the gym. I hate going. I literally go for my husband to please him. I know I need to go and stay active but I’m doing workouts I don’t really want to do. I would rather run or do Pilates but he has me doing weight lifting and leg/arm days to help build my core (I was told I have a very weak core by my doctor and needed to work on it. I think it scared my husband so he did research and started me on a weightlifting plan to build my core. It’s sweet of him. I appreciate it but I hate it at the same time). Like I said, I would rather run. I used to run but lost motivation awhile back or do Pilates.
Then I come home usually around 6:30 most evenings. On the days when I don’t go to the gym, I usually run a few errands. By the time we cook dinner, eat, and clean up. It’s usually around 7:30 or 8:00. In rare occasions where we finish up at 7:30 or 7:45 and I have some free time, I use that time to do my homework for my masters program. My program has been easy so far except for this semester. I took a coding intro class and it’s been brutal. Every week, I have to watch about 5-7 videos on average that range from 10 minutes to 1 hour long (had one once that was 1 hour and 30 minutes). It has questions embedded into the videos and I have to answer them to get credit. I also use slides to take notes. Then I have two hands on assignments every week where I have to write code and then turn it into an online forum or reflect on it and answer questions. Then I have 5-7 scripts per week to write from scratch and turn in. Then I also have an exercise quiz to complete every week. Sometimes, we have to turn in like semester project long project check-ins on top of that. It’s a lot. Sometimes, I have to stay up late until like 10:00 or 11:00pm a day or two a week just to get that stuff done. My husband obviously goes onto bed because he has to get up early but I’m stuck working on that course. It’s been awful. But most nights, I don’t have to stay up late. It happens on average 1-2 nights a week. Also I can’t quit my job because they are paying for my school and I signed a contract.
Then on the weekends, we use Saturday to get caught up on the household responsibilities like we do laundry, clean the house (vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms, sweeping, might mop too), he mows or does outside work, we shop for groceries the next week, etc. Then on Sundays, we have church in the morning and then I come home and work on homework for the majority of the afternoon. I have no time for myself really. I barely have time to read or work on my book or journal. I want to read my Bible more and pray more in the mornings but by the time I wake up, the idea of having to get up and face another day sucks. If it weren’t for my husband being there and knowledge that I have to get to work to make money and help contribute so we can build our dream home, I would just give up and lay there. But I have someone who needs my help so I do it. My dog also helps me get out of bed in the morning. He needs my attention, to be fed, to be loved on. If it weren’t for my dog and husband, I think I would just lay there all day.
What’s happening to me? Is there any way to combat this?