Is this appropriate?? Am I over sesnsitive? Pls help
Im 29F, hes in his 50sM. Okay this may be long but please bear with... a year and a half ago me and my partner were on a break and started seeing a couples counsellor after 4-5 months he suggested due to my trauma we work together just me and him and can do the odd couples as and when. So ive been seeing him a year. There's a lot of context but I dont want to make this post super long but basically I have had a history of sexual assault, being abandoned, not being able to trust etc, self harm. Recently ive relapsed self harm and expressed plans of suicide to therapist he did act on these tho not sure in the most boundaried way tho I did find it helpful and kind, the relapse is because someone who SAed me but I loved so much when I was a teen recently died and I havent been coping with this. Okay im just going to list things that have felt like maybe they arent appropriate or I dont know if im just hyper alert?? Also I do want to say I have built a strong bond to him, trust him, have felt safe with him but i dont know last few sessions my gut is feeling off but I dont know if thats my triggers personally. I dont think hes a bad guy at all.
- comments on my looks a lot, says im pretty/good looking, I must be aware guys want to have sex with me
- when disclosing sexual assaults before he had been a little dismissive suggesting I was in control as they didnt go further with me (I was 14)
- suggested that while ex didnt treat me right, I needed him (codependent) so we "both got our needs met"
- when I was suicidal he cancelled 4 hours of sessions and we went for a drive in his van and we went to get food, he stopped by his house to let his dogs out and let me use his loo i didnt feel unsafe but im aware this isn't common practice
- often starts session 15 mins early, has run over too by a hour before
- shares a lot about himself, now I do ask because I sometimes need to feel equal to share and im so closed off about talking so maybe hes just trying to make me comfortable but last session he shared about his own counselling, how he felt in his personal life (unseen/misunderstood), how i know more about him than anyone, how i make him feel safe and at ease to talk
- during a period of bad MH as a way of SH i think I posted nude pics on a degrading subbreddit and had lots of men message about how theyd hurt me/humiliated me I showed him these messages so we could talk about them/I wanted to talk about disclosing to my partner what id done and he kinda made it about him saying that the messages made him reflect on why he isn't living his life like he wanted, why cant he be him true self for fear of being judged, he ridiculed what some of the men had said and their profile pics
- says about how men's cars/watch (pointed to his) is an extension of their dick and how big it is and kept saying dick then apologised
- asked me if I was a brat / if I thought my partner was strong enough to hold me or if he let's me get away with too much, if I need a stronger man (he always says about this how he is)
- asked why I listened to him but not my partner, said the word "submit" then joked he was using that as its a trigger
- joked about putting me over his knee and smacking me
- told me hes been to jail before
- told me hes hit a woman before when he used to work on the doors (bodygaurd) but like as they were fighting him and he had to restrain them
- said in a few different sessions its not appropriate but I just want to give you a cuddle
- indicates im different to other clients all the tiem, says he doesnt do therapy like this with anyone else, he wouldn't tell other clients they can text him whenever etc, that he trusts me, he thinks we have a special connection
- he said he'd like to explore our bond but then said not in a creepy way
- said this in a recent message to me... "We are going in to more of a co-creational therapy atm so I am in it with you. exposing myself 🫢🙈 careful haha "Psychologically of course" "
- makes comments all the time about ym face been flushed amd then says if your warm take off jumper / cardi (which it took me 20 minutes convo to do) he kept sayinf come on just take it off but he wasnt been forceful i guess he was trying to understand why I didnt feel safe enough to???
- tells me things about other clients
- hes spoke about how a therapist can go to jail for having relationship with client and how wrong it is
- when speaking about sex im really shy and stuff and he is quite crass about it asking if like when I was speaking about an assault he was saying like did you come close to death I dunno it felt dismissive ??
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I dont know there might be more but I feel bad writing this. Hes in his 50s quite old fashioned man I dont know if im just sesnstivie. Hes done a lot to help me and this sounds like he hasn't. He has and i trust him. Ive never had a good male influence or a man who hasn't hurt me/sexualised me and it feels really painful to think thats what might be happening here but Im hoping im wrong and im just triggered... because I dont want to find a new therapist etc. Im in the UK. He is registered with BACP etc
Any insight please is welcome 🙏