‼️NEED SUPPORT INCOMING. I CAN'T DOUBLE FLAIR‼️
i'm almost 17 years old, and i feel like i can barely function socially, except for with my close friends. i mostly stay quiet as to not interrupt others when they're speaking, but no one makes an effort to initiate anything with me. my therapist told me i was really extroverted, and i really thought that for a while, but given my behavior, i'm starting to heavily question that.
i've had horrible social moments in the past. a friend i had at age 13 left me with a trauma, i've been teased non-stop for being autistic ever since i was a child, i'm constantly scared of what others think of me, and so on. i'm also struggling with grief (my grandfather died roughly 3 months ago), and i'm learning tons of social skills on a whim. i'm as good at socializing as a 6-7 year old (pun intended, but i'm serious LOL), and i find it really easy and automatic to spiral into a mental crisis, silent self-deprecating episodes, and self-destructive/suicidal thoughts (hence the double flair).
but, even despite all of these difficulties, i'm a very loving person, and i have no bad intent, even if my actions can be wrong. i struggle to actually learn from my mistakes, no matter the effort, and that makes me feel worthless. every time i try to get close to someone, they ask for space. everything i try is seen as overbearing.
i miss being able to actually form bonds with people. i feel like i'm stuck in cycles, and that no matter what, everything is against me. i wanna restart my life from age 4 and redo all of it.