u/therearenothoughts

I'd rather be beheaded alive with a blunt knife than go through the experience of growing up ugly again. People just dont even see you as a human being who deserves some decency. Other kids at school either avoid you like the plague or treat you like you did something wrong to them by bringing your presence in. I remember this one time, the teacher made a girl sit next to me at class and she already seemed pissed even though i didn't even talk to her, just smiled even if that was not enough..her friends teased her saying "omg are you two best friends?" and this bitch fucking cried infront of the whole class and the teacher reassigned her seat with someone else leaving me alone. (Which i am fucking grateful for cause i'd rather be by my own at this point). The other girls would pick on me and pretend to be nice to me just so they could make fun of me. They would post our pictures on their socials and use me to look better. I always kept to myself hoping that no one would notice me but folks still did. "Why are you like this?", "Ew, who would marry that?" referring to me when my name came up in a kiss marry kill, "xyz has a crush on you", "how are you so beautiful?" in a mocking way. I don't think these words would ever get out of my head. I am just undeserving of love or basic human decency because i exist as me. I lost the weight, tried different hairstyles, tried makeup and I am still a fucking pig. I can't help but feel envious of people who can enjoy life fully because they atleast look pretty enough for basic decency while the only thing which keeps me motivated is the thought that i can get cosmetic surgery in the future and finally be worthy of love. I am 20 and never had a boyfriend or even held hands with a guy, the closest interaction i ever have with guys is when they come up to me with their middle school joke "oh my friend there likes you" just to get some laugh out of his friends. I was supposed to be an abortion but destiny had other plans and now I fucking hate the life I am supposed to be "grateful" for.