A obese girl rant
Im 26 years old obese trying to loose weight. Loosing weight has been my number 1 priority since when i was just 7 years old. I lost so much hope now i still in that loosing weight phase and haven't done that yet.
Ipo idha yosikira apove i feel so overwhelming. I havent done in my life because of bullying.
Nan 3rd std padikira apo they shuffled the class. i remember whole class laughing at me when they shuffled the class while i was standing in the trying to hold on together myself from crying. I cried the rest of the day at home. I think that was my first bullying incident.
Then when i was in fifth std a teacher gave the boy students punishment for talking in the class. The punishment is sitting beside me. I don't know why she did that but the whole class reaction i couldn't even describe it in words. They were so much disgusted like im some kind of contagious disease.
I been bullied and fat shamed on regular basis and some of them scarred me for life. Idhellam nadanthu 18 or 19 years irukum i still get emotional thinking about these incidents.
Then when i was in 6th std a skinny boy compared my fat arms to his and made fun of it to his friends.
When i was in school i dreaded P.T. period. They usually take yearly weight and height measurements. As a girl who loves going to school will bunk only on those days to skip it. I know i will get bullied as i got every year. In later years i remember telling the teachers and convincing them to take my measurements seperately as i dont wanna do it in front of my classmates.
Nan school ku van la poven. There they used to bully me a lot. Anga iruka van driver anna kooda sernthu they used to bully me. They intentionally make the door small so it can't be opened wide with some kind of rope. So it will be difficult for me to get in. When i try to get in they just laugh at me. One day when they laugh at me they were playing thuppaki google google pani parthen song and whole van was making fun of me and vibing to that song laughing at me. Till now after many years i get emotional hearing that song.
En pakkathu veetuku paiyanuku different van but daily the whole van will look into my house to get a peak of this fat girl.
So i made my father to drive me every morning at 6.30 to avoid travellig in van even though its too early. I will leave the school at 5pm even though its way too late cuz my dad picks me after hia work.
Then comes the teacher they will always ask me why im so fat and why im like this for my whole life.
When i was 8th std i remember one girl saying i look like a pregnant woman and the whole girls washroom just laughed at me.
Then when i was in 11th all small kids in 6th and 7th std kids would legit laugh at me when i walk by. One small girl when passing by our corridor to use restroom she legit got scared and looked at me like i was a alien from another planet. She got so disgusted and she will run away from me everyday.
Nan indha mathiri incidents sollanumna solite pogalam. I faced humiliation in every phase of my life.
Idhu school la mattum illa veetla kooda apdi than. My parents tried medical support and hospital they stressed me even from my young age. They tried everything they did their best but its difficult for me to loose weight. Enakaga they spent so much money. Sometimes i wonder nan porakame irunthale avanga happy ah nimathiya irunthurupanga. Ennala enaku mattum illa avangalukum mana ulachal. Im not a good daughter for them and i never will be.
My mom tried to be supportive. But one time she just shamed me directly. I went to a wedding of a relative when i was in 9th i guess. Apo some other guests passed comments about me it seems. Nan atha gavanikala but she told me that they did that at home. Unna pathi than pesunanga nee gunda irukanu. Nee ipdi iruka apdi irukanu sonnanga. That words coming from my own mother at at stage i think a piece of me died there.
In my sister's wedding a random aunty called me and lectured me about my weight and i cried for the rest of the day.
These and many similar situations like these scarred me for life. I strongly believe my experiences and what i have gone through made me introverted. Im a people person. I like people. I like talking with people i like going out with people but i got more and more reserved.
Idhanala i didnt make that much friends. I protected myself from getting hurt during my college days. I have only one friend now. Im lonely too. But i choose this lonliness because people hurt me and im protecting myself.
These incidents and experiences you have when you are a literal child whill mess you up and scar you for life. It did scar me as im still crying while typing this out.
I believe im a good human being. Most of the time when i look back and think about it i try to look it in a positive way. I believe it made me more empathetic. Im more sensitive about people's feelings and i wont make fun of anyone.
But today when i try to calorie count as usual and still a obese 26 year old i got sudden epiphany that loosing weight has been my priority as long as i can remember. I got overwhelmed and strong urge to just leave this earth thinking about my past 26 yrs and now im writing this here venting it out.