getting tired of the games i play to hide my drinking
The walk to the communal recycling bin in my building has become the most stressful part of my week. I’ve started wrapping my empty bourbon bottles in old newspapers and stuffing them at the bottom of the trash bag so they don't clink and tip off my neighbors. I'm 35 years old and I'm sneaking around my own apartment like I'm 16 again. It’s exhausting.
I haven’t been able to keep a real meal down since Tuesday. My diet is basically just black coffee, Gatorade, and whatever liquor I have hidden in the cabinet behind the flour. I’ve got this constant dull pressure under my ribs and my eyes look like I haven't slept in a year. My boss asked me if I was "feeling okay" twice this morning and I just stared at my monitor and nodded because I was afraid he'd smell the booze on my breath if I opened my mouth.
I’ve been trying to map out a way out of this since I clearly can't keep it up much longer. I spent my lunch break today looking at Legacy Healing Center and trying to see if my insurance covers a 30-day stay, but the fear of losing my apartment if I take time off is paralyzing. I’m trapped in this loop where I need the job to pay for the habits that are making me fail at the job.
How do you guys handle the initial panic of quitting? I want to stop but the thought of facing my actual life totally sober is terrifying. My brain just won't shut up.