Unsure about my (37F) 7 year relationship with unemployed fiance (41M)
Ok I might just need a swift kick in the ass here, but I need a third party honest perspective on my relationship because I don't know what to do. Apologies for the length.
First, the facts: Me (37F) and my fiance (41M), together 7 years, living together 6.5 years, got together right before covid. I have been wfh since at my mid-range admin job and he lost his job in the film industry. During covid, we agreed to move out of the city and settle down somewhere cheaper, so he quit looking for jobs while we looked for housing. In June 2022 we moved to where we are now and he has been looking for work ever since. He has had 1 job that was seasonal and 1 that he quit because it was basically a religious cult that was taking advantage of its workers. He has applied to a lot but between scams, fake jobs, AI, and the sheer state of the economy, he has barely gotten responses. I do see him trying, but he has no secondary education and only old experience in retail jobs from his 20s, everything else was in film (the industry here is not as good and getting back into film doesnt seem an option). We do not have the money to send him back to school, not that school is helping anyone much in this economy.
Second, the good: He is smart, very loyal, very open minded, we agree morally and politically, he's handsome, etc. He is sweet and extremely good with acts of service (he does a lot around the house, cleans, fixes small things, runs errands, laundry, etc. the only thing he doesn't do is cook much, but he will help me with it). He is a good dad to our 2 cats. He has supported me through many physical issues I've had, including recent surgery. We have a lot in common. You get the picture.
Third, the problem: He has anger issues and they sometimes get directed at me. He yells a lot when we fight, despite me saying I cant handle it. He is Audhd (we both are) and he shuts down whenever we cross the line into a fight (it should be noted I never yell, but he says I play the victim and seems to interpret my tears and my soft tone as manipulative when really I am just doing everything I can to self-regulate). These shut downs can last hours to days where we will barely speak. I've learned I have to wait it out, even though that's been difficult for me. When he finally does approach me he usually either says "Sorry i still cant talk about this yet" or he brings up something I did that frustrated him.
Most recent example: There was a good job opportunity at a local bookstore. Hiring in person, and my partner has worked at a few bookstores, so a real shot at a good job, finally. The website said to bring a cover letter and references (didnt specify professional or personal). He prints the resume and cover letter but the second last day they are accepting applications he tells me he didnt print references because he has no professional references after so long and asks me to come help him look good when he applies the next day (the last day to apply). He tells me he will just say we havent lived here that long and thats why he has no references (which doesnt make sense bc references dont have to be local). I think about it and before we leave the next day I say I think he should bring personal references bc this is a good opportunity and whats the point in applying if you dont do it right? It will look like you cant read instructions. I say he can put down his friends and he says no and when I ask why he says bc he thinks they wont say good things about him (he has known these men 30+ years, I've met both, they would absolutely support him). I say okay well I have people in my life who know you who will be your references and he pretty much shuts down and wont say why. I tell him Im so confused why he is so opposed to this and that I really need him to do his best to get this job. This is the first time I've in any way been pushy about jobs. I have trusted for 4 years that he's been applying and doing what he could, even accepted that bc of AuDHD and osteporosis he wont be able to apply to a large number of jobs. This was Saturday morning.
Sunday around 4pm he comes to talk and says I frustrated him by not trusting he had a plan. I said what plan? He said he doesnt always want to explain everything to me and I should just have trusted him to do it right. I said you asked me to come with you and made me a part of this but you didnt want to tell me there was a plan? He said he was going to say to them while applying that he didnt know if they wanted professional or personal references but he can write them down for them if they like.
So... why not just tell me you were going to give them references? Why imply your references would be different if they were personal vs professional when you have no professional references? Why say his friends wouldnt say anything good when he planned to write their names down anyway? If this was the plan all along, why tell me he planned to say we hadnt lived here long?
He told me I ruined it bc he was already nervous and I took away his confidence.. I maintain he ruined it by not communicating with me and giving me contradictory information.
He obviously didnt apply for the job.
Is it over? He blames me when he has no answer for my very logical questions, yells at me, says I ruined his opportunity... he has blamed me for his anger in the past. He even said to stop making it about me and it was my job to just support him... which I said Ive been doing for 6 years, both financially and by not pressuring him. He had the gall to roll his eyes at me when I mentioned Ive never been properly thanked for supporting us either... which is true, he has never outright said thank you to me for supporting us, even though Ive asked him to and I thank and compliment him all the time for his contributions.
If you made it this far, thank you. All opinions welcome, though neurodivergent ones especially. Im at a loss.