AIW for asking a severely depressed husband for help?
married almost 6 years, together for about 11.5 years.
about 4 years ago, he became extremely depressed following a herniated disc injury and surgery. he worked in a packaging facility and his boss tried to move him into the office side of things so he could still work. he felt inadequate at that and quit that job.
he picked up a part time pet store job a few months after quitting the other job. he stayed at the pet store for a few months before quitting again.
he has not worked or brought in any kind of income since January 2023. since then he has done almost nothing around the house. sometimes he does laundry, takes out the trash and/or recycling, and feeds our lizards, but that is it.
I have tried to talk to him about helping more around the house since he's home all day and I'm not. like I've told him to wash dishes, vacuum, sweep, clean the bathroom, etc. every time I bring it up, he goes into "I'm so dumb, I'm a failure" mode. I end up trying to reassure him he's not dumb or a failure, but the reassurance never works. I've tried to bring up to him that he should get a job and get out of the house and it might help his mood to make friends and be around people, but again I get the "I'm a failure" speech.
it's so bad he will rarely leave the house. the only times he leaves is if he has an appointment (and I go with him) or to get kratom or vapes from the tobacco store. I have to get his medicines for him and he won't come with me to get those. he won't even come to family gatherings with me when my family invites him every time. he didn't even come celebrate with me when I turned 30 last year.
he has been seeing a psychiatrist for medication for the past 4 years. she's tried all different kinds of depression, anxiety, and bipolar meds but none of them have helped it seems like. right now he's on lithium and clonazepam. he's seen a few different therapists over the past 4 years, but he never sticks with it. he also tried an intensive outpatient program online.
I understand that he is severely depressed and has lots of health issues. but I also have anxiety and several health issues of my own and I make it to work and do normal 31 year old things. am I asking you much of him to help out when he's feeling bad seemingly every day?? how do I help him see that he needs to move around and do things to help me and himself?