Working hours in surgical residency
Hey,
This is honestly a bit embarrassing to post, but I need a reality check.
My boyfriend of over 1.5 years recently started a surgery residency after clearing PG NEET. During the break between his previous residency and this one, we spent time together and he showed interest in me and the relationship.
However, he’s always been a very pragmatic person. I don’t know how to say this gently, but he’s quite emotionally reserved. He says things like he doesn’t “miss” me (or anyone), and even mentioned he doesn’t feel the need for us to NOT be long-distance because he simply doesn’t have time to see my daily anyway. When I try to talk about it, he says medical residency, especially surgery, is extremely demanding, and as an example, all he thinks about when going to sleep is his patients.
I’ve also seen the toll this field has taken on him. When we met, he was an intern, relatively happy and relaxed. Now he seems constantly stressed, both physically and emotionally. It is quite heartbreaking to see how much he has changed over the course of the time. It has taken quite a toll on his health too.
What’s really bothering me is this: we haven’t had a phone call in over 3 weeks. Before that, he used to call every 2–3 days when he could. He told me his schedule is unpredictable, so I decided to wait for him to initiate contact. Since then, his texts have become sparse and very direct. He says he’ll call me back, and he did set up a call with me too, but then apologised and said he got busy. I panicked and got really worried about this, given the long nature of us not being in touch, but he said that he will get back to me, and that work is overwhelming right now.
I’m struggling to understand or rationalise this. Is residency really so intense that someone can’t spare even 2–5 minutes for a call?
When we mer, he once mentioned that he had gotten more numb and frustrated over time, which he had not expected and something he wasn’t before. He had also constantly told me his life would only get more busier as he starts this residency. However, I also know that I am generally very empathetic, so I need to know if I am letting myself be extremely sidelined because he’s so important to me.
I’ve decided to stop initiating contact for now and see what happens. I’m aware of the general perception around residency (including things like infidelity), and I know people often say “look at how someone treats you.” But I still have this lingering hope that maybe this is normal or excusable given his situation.
I don’t know anyone in medicine, and all my friends think this is emotional neglect and not okay. I just don’t know what to believe.
For context, this is the same person who has also driven 2 hours to see me after a 24 hour shift once, and late at night straight with his scrubs, when we were in the same city. So, I do not know how to look at it holistically.
TL;DR: Boyfriend started a very demanding surgery residency, hasn’t called me in 3 weeks, and barely texts. Says he’s too overwhelmed with work. Is this normal for residents, or am I being emotionally neglected?