u/spidermother86

My mother always put herself first, never apologised and caused me a lot of pain that I’ve been dealing with ever since I moved out at 18 (I’m 38 now).

I have a 7 year old son Peter (yes he’s named after Spider-Man) and I haven’t been a great mother to him. I love him more than anyone, I hug him everyday, I read to him at night, me and him play with our cats, I spend time with him in our house and out so I can bond with him and I enrolled him in boxing and drama classes because he likes those and he can make friends while developing skills but I should be more patient and understanding with him.

I’m currently going through a divorce so I’ve not been able to spend a lot of time with him and my sisters have been taking turns looking after him which I am very grateful for. Yesterday I sat him down to tell him I love him, ask if he’s doing ok and that I’m sorry for everything’s he’s had to go through because of this. When I told him “I know I’m not a great mum and I’m sorry” but he said “no I’m happy you’re my mum” when he said that I just hurt into happy tears and hugged him and I didn’t let go until he said he needed to pee.

This honestly meant the world to me, I don’t know if I deserve it but it’s helped me heal from my own pain from my mother because I’ve always worried I’d be a bit like her as a mother which is a part of me I wish I could have ripped out but now I believe that I’m not like her at all so I can shed that part of me and move on.

I told him I’m happy he’s my son and I am because he is the cutest. Kindest, sweetest boy a mess like me could hope for he’s been a better son to me than I deserve and I’m grateful everyday for having him.

It was my cousin’s family wedding and I went with my mother and my sisters. After dancing with a few people (one of whom is my son’s godfather) my feet really hurt from wearing heels and getting my toes stepped on a couple times so I took them off.

When I was nursing my feet my mother looked at me like I had burned our family photo album. I told her my feet hurt so I was resting them and she said I was embarrassing her by not behaving like a lady and she stepped on my big toe with her heel and twisted it which hurt like hell and it took every piece of willpower I had to not scream then she told my to start showing her the respect she “deserved” in front of the whole family and she stormed off. My toe hurt like hell for the rest of the wedding and I struggled to even move it wasn’t broken but with how much it hurt it might as well have. I got some payback when I put my feet on the lap of one of my cousin’s friend’s lap which annoyed her.

This honestly convinced me that my mother was a lunatic I could never imagine doing this to my own son and if I ever have a daughter I will never complain about he taking her heels off.

Whenever I got up past bedtime as a girl my mother would shout at me for being “so ungrateful and selfish” for interrupting her alone time because I wanted to get some water or if I had a nightmare and needed a hug.

Last night my son got up past his bedtime, dressed in his Batman costume and wanted to play with me, I told him that Nightiwing was looking after the city tonight and that he should go back to bed or Alfred will be sad but apparently Poison Ivy (who was me) needed to be taken to justice so I just played along, gently pinned him to the ground, took off his shoes and socks and started tickling his feet to get him down. Eventually he seemed to get tired out and I let him get a kick on me so Batman could win and since he was tired I picked him up and cuddled with him on the couch and when he fell asleep I carried him to bed and tucked him in.

I don’t know why but this made me feel a bit better about what my mother used to do. Maybe it’s because I proves that I’m notlike her or maybe it’s because I got to play with my son but I feel better about what she used to do. Either way I feel like I’ve healed a part of my childhood.