u/spacklepants

Does anyone else feel incomplete after hanging out with a few people (when you want to be there) and want to keep over sharing and over texting and just continue the conversation. I have to actively stop myself from too much communication. Ugh and I talk so much in a group setting. I was with people yesterday and just kept talking. Beer fueled of course. 😭 I

Senior prank. Kids “get” a master key somehow and are given permission to remove desks and chairs to put them outside the school. They end up trashing one teachers room. No other room experiences this. “We won’t miss you” is written on the whiteboard and the teacher’s name is changed to something rude. What sort of reaction would you expect from admin? How would you react to this?

I’m sorry if I’m posting too much. When I recover I’ll be more supportive to those in my shoes now.

I’m just … I don’t think I’ve ever felt so flat. I’m like a zombie just going through the motions and every second is stealing more and more from my empty empty tank. My mind is in complete disassociation because that seems to be the only thing that keeps me functioning. I can’t believe how hard teaching is for me. It’s a hard job without the audhd. And I clearly can’t cope anymore.

I’ve undercut myself so much to gain clients. I’ve finally reached a point where I’m confident enough in the quality and my ability to sell on my own. If they keep my work in stock, the new prices make me happy to do the work. If they don’t like the prices… I don’t care! And that’s pretty cool.

I know I CAN. I’m resisting using the remainder of my sick days before taking off forever because the kids are in the middle of sewing and drawing and painting and I know they want some help. I just can’t bring myself to stop coming in as much as I really want to stop coming in. Our subs are useless.

I just keep telling myself 2 more days (then I did take 1 day off) then 2 more days (weekend) then 2 more days. Then 2 finals days on a minimum schedule.

But I kinda want to blow it all up and peace out. I’ve got the rest of my life waiting for me.

In the morning I’ve started reciting the names of the kids and teachers I care about and want to show up for. And as I write this it’s 1 more class then 1 more day and then a break.

Before going back to teaching this past year (after a 9 year gap) I was strength training 4 days a week, walking, eating well, painting, pottering. Since August I’ve been coughing for weeks on end, developed plantar fasciitis, and can’t bring myself to do anything but watch television. I have plenty of sick time to burn but I’m sticking it out for the kids. Two weeks to go then done! Sprinkling in some days off. I’m so excited to get healthy again. And be an artist again. So close.

I always take things out of my bathroom drawers and then leave them all over the counter. My counter is a mess most of the time. This past week I tossed a bunch of things and organized the drawers. And then just now had a realization … if I don’t close the drawer when I take something out, I’ll put it back. Wow. The drawer is more like a retractable shelf. I know this sounds dumb but the mindset shift has the potential to help me. Already working! I put all my toiletries away tonight.

I’m a teacher and I’ve taken a week of mental health leave. At first I thought this would give me the respite to finish out the school year before quitting. But now … I don’t know why I should continue to put myself in this environment. Once I’m back only 13 days but it sounds awful. All of the emotions have subsided and I’m just feeling very clinical about the whole thing. The reasons I can think to stay don’t seem to be enough to outweigh the peace I’m feeling at home.

Another issue is that at our very small school I think our sick days are sort of held hostage by the super/cfo. I’m honestly uncomfortable and afraid to contact her to find out my available sick leave. She has been quite mean to another person who was not renewed for next year.

I’m just really avoiding interacting with her. She betrayed me and that is why I’m leaving. I could be petty and work part of next year then quit but it would only hurt me.

Edit: I don’t ever want to teach again. I don’t care about my credential.

After today I’m calling in sick until I have a medical leave of absence for my mental health. I have 3 doctor’s appointments lined up to make sure someone approves it. I’ll stay out until the end of the year and then will resign. I was about to walk out so I hope this at least prevents all the bridges from burning (small town). I just couldn’t do it. The environment I work in doesn’t work for me. I love teaching and I know I’m a great teacher, so I hope I’ll be able to find an alternative path.

I think I’ve hit the brink of the amount of stress I can endure. I went on vyvanse to help compensate for the things I’ve been struggling with but ultimately I think it’s kicking the can down the road in my teaching job. I am overwhelmed, burnt out and barely functioning in my off time. I am exhausted. The vyvanse gets me through the day but I think this job is too hard for me. I’m looking for a medical leave of absence route. I don’t care if I’m paid or not I just don’t want to up and quit without something to point to saying I’m not abandoning my job for no reason. I’m desperate to keep my shit together and I don’t think I can hang on any longer. Has anyone done this? I don’t know what to do. Starting with getting in to see the doctor asap. I don’t have a therapist because the woman who diagnosed me is not communicative at all and never replies to anything. Didn’t seem urgent until this past week.

The thing that put me over the edge was my superintendent going back on a verbal agreement to drop me down to part time next year. I’ve envisioned that for months. And now suddenly it was taken away. So I think all the stress I’ve been suppressing is coming out and I feel completely betrayed. Definitely having an autism meltdown.

First year back after a nine year break. I asked admin to reduce my schedule to part time so I could stay on and they said no. We’re on a trimester system which seems incredibly fast. I’m totally fucking spent. Every day. I know what everyone is writing on here but somehow I feel I’m supposed to be able to handle this. They’re going to replace me next year with someone who I guess can handle it (because I have to leave). There are other teachers at the school who can handle it. Am I over reacting, mentally unwell or are they so good at this job that they’re fine or are they dying inside but not doing anything to change their lives? I don’t actually need the job so I’m lucky but I feel like it’s me. What am I doing wrong that I’m completely depleted? I actually love a lot about teaching but it’s not sustainable. I’ll be a rotting zombie by the end of next year if I stay.

It’s like spreading peanut butter over really crappy white bread.

I use this when kids are smoothing coils over delicate seams that might come apart with too much pressure. It seems like it’s a really good metaphor.

Or is that an analogy?

Anyway… enjoy. 👍

A few kids last week told me some of the freshmen were trying to rage bait me in ceramics. The result from their behavior was that the entire classroom went into what I call level 1 lockdown. No clay, no music, printed material with questions and vocab words, drawing pottery instead of making it. And after a couple days of this I said … you guys I get mad all the time. It doesn’t bother me. I get mad in traffic, parking lots, and yes at you. I don’t care if I’m upset. So you thinking it’s funny to make me mad … who is it hurting? Me? Nope not at all. I’m enjoying level 1 lockdown a LOT. It’s hurting you. So by all means keep it up.

Anyway level 1 seems to have worked. This was the beginning of this week and everyone has been way more chill. I honestly don’t know what level 2 is but I joked it’s turning the heat to 100* and cooking tuna in my microwave. Also side note I don’t actually get that angry all the time. I just don’t care that they get a rise out of me in the room so used those examples. Yes I know I should try to remain calm and in control but if I don’t I’m not going to feel bad about it or like I’m a crap teacher. They’re the ones who are in the wrong for being disrespectful.

I’m a teacher. Today school was cancelled. Logically this was shaping up to be an awesome day. But I had so much anxiety this morning. Like I was supposed to be using my time somehow. Which I did but still was overcome with anxiety. I ran some errands and really let the stims out which helped. I am so surprised this disruption to my routine made me feel so out of sorts. Additionally we had some bullying come up over the weekend (at our school). I sent my superintendent an email with a list of ideas of how we could pivot and take the opportunity to have a positive impact on the school. Holy moly the RSD from this is killing me right now. I did something nice! How could anyone be mad at me for sharing ideas? But I can’t let go over this idea that I share too many ideas. Email too often. That I’m annoying all of my co-workers by trying to help the school (I have so many ideas). I know logically there’s nothing wrong with sharing my ideas. But my brain thinks everyone is going to be mad at me tomorrow. 🫠 Enough to where in this moment I want to quit because I’m ashamed of how I interact with everyone. Not because of the kids (last week I wanted to quit because of the kids). And what has been cool is that this feeling seems to be happening less often since I started vyvanse but obviously it’s not gone.