I Want a Friendship with a Long-ago Ex
Hello. I think I'm a little sad and a little crazy. This is a long post, so please forgive me.
Has anyone reached out to an ex from a long time ago just to be friends again? Has it been successful? Here's my story:
About a year ago, my mom died. It was after a long, long, bout with cancer. I was her primary caregiver and she had special circumstances that prevented her from talking, making her care that much more stressful and all-consuming. At any rate, I think I'm still readjusting to a life without her, and at this stage, am going with a series of what-ifs. I'm older, F57, and have lived quite a life. I have, throughout my life, had three serious partners, one of which, partner #2, i was married to for 17 years. I am now with partner #3. Partner #1, whom I thought was my soul mate, ultimately was a bully and a control freak. I'll get back to him in a bit.
What does this have to do with my mom? Well, since she's passed, I've been going through old files, old photos, old memories. I came across some pictures of the guy I stopped dating so I could ultimately be with Partner #1. I was 20 years old and I had my entire life ahead of me. I wanted adventure, I wanted travel, I wanted exploration, I wanted to play the field until I (unfortunately for me) moved across country to be with P1. It was a BIG mistake, but I was stubborn and stuck to P1 for five years-long past the time where I developed PTSD. This guy whom I broke up with for P1, let's call him Guy, was stable, caring, sexy, and very, very, intelligent. We were together for over a year. He went to a prestigious college in my city, whereas I went to a not-as-prestigious one. He was geeky. I like them geeky. His drawbacks, at least as I saw them then, were he wanted a long term commitment and maybe I could accompany him to Columbus where he planned on getting his masters degree. That didn't appeal to me, in fact it made me feel constrained. This plus the fact that his mother pulled me aside and gently suggested that since I wasn't Jewish, maybe I should, again gently, let him go. I was too stunned to question it as I had thought she liked me. In hindsight I wish I had the wherewithal to tell Guy about this, but I unfortunately had my foot already out the door.
At first I suggested to Guy that we stay together, but with a more casual relationship. He wasn't interested. I understood. We parted amicably, but unfortunately for good. No further contact, nothing.
Since our break up, I have from time to time tried to look him up, but his real name is the same as a famous actor, so Googling him has been out of the cards, especially early on. I had heard from a trusted source that he moved to Florida. End of the trail.
In the almost 40-year interim, I have had some serious life-altering experiences, now over fifteen years old, some due to circumstances of the economy (recession begat lay-offs, begat foreclosure, begat bankruptcy, begat divorce,) but have since overcome it by going back to school, getting my masters, finding another partner, and working part time while supporting my mom. I now have another condo, a partner (P3) and a wonderful full time job in an industry known for its tight job horizons. I should feel happy, no?
Fast forward to three weeks ago and my going through the photos. I've been feeling antsy, what with the world situation, etc. My partner, whom I love and who takes me as I am, is also kind of self-involved, and somewhat uninterested in what I do day to day. In other words, I'm lonely, maybe not in a relationship kind of way, but in a friendship and intellectual kind of way. Then I came across the Guy photos. I became curious. What happened to him? What has his life been like? Did he have a family? Did he find the nice Jewish girl his mother wanted? Did he achieve his goals? What does he look like nowadays? In my job, I do a great deal of research and have access to some specialized databases. Suffice it to say, I found him. I wrote a letter, outlining in brief what I had been up to for the last 37 years. I also noted that according to my research I found out that he is or was married, had a family, etc. I tried to use humor as much as possible while asking to see if he'd like to be a pen-pal or some such, as i genuinely wanted to know more about him from the horse's mouth. I told him that I have a partner, and that I wanted to renew his friendship more than anything, which is the honest truth.
I sent it to what I think was an email address of his. Nothing. I used a database and whittled down his current street address, printed a copy, added my email address and cell number, then sent it via snail mail two weeks ago. Nothing came back. I checked obituaries, "maybe he died?". Nothing-still alive, although I noticed his dad had passed away about the same time mine did. From this line of research, I noted his address was the same as his mom's. She has to be the same age as mine was, so he's probably taking care of her, I surmised. But--that also can mean she intercepted his mail. Moms do that. More likely, though, he just doesn't want to talk to me. Too much water under the bridge.
I sent him a Hail Mary this past week. A short note saying "message received " and to take care of himself, and that my door to him is always open. I'm just so sad, though. So lonely, and a bit crazy.
If you made it this far, I thank you for your kindness. Has anyone here had a better outcome doing something similar?