I'm sorry.
not so much asking for emotional support. I've accepted my faults in life and my ex broke me mentally and physically.. when someone goes through something like that, you learn to understand things... shift in someone's attitude, quick movements, hand placements, word choosing, sudden loud noises, etc...
the point of me writing this, is for anyone going through or has gone through a hellish relationship that broke you down to your absolute lowest point, and it feels like you're still rebuilding after 3, 5, 10+ years... that you're not alone. j want to share what I've learned about myself, with what I was able to heal and adjust to.
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before my ex, I'd never been in an abusive relationship. other than arguments here and there of course, but never hands on, screaming, crying, police involved etc. the first time it happened, was because she moved her friend in with us without asking. I had no real objection, but she brought her cat which proceeded to mark every corner of the house. I had no intention of provoking her, so I quickly apologized, accepted my fate and cooked dinner and the rest of my chores. letting it drift to the back of my mind.
random yelling towards me became a daily occurrence, from waking up at 3am for work, to the newest iPhone as a "ILY" gift was the wrong color which resulted in her throwing the cat at me.. (I love animals and made sure the cat was always healthy and safe).
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the point im trying to make from what happened above, its always easy to admit fault to move on, but its rare for someone to take fault for something they actually did. dont give in due to false blame and yelling which makes you feel guilty.
document anything that has been damaged or broken by your partner that caused the damage. ill explain why later
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I was a welder and grabbed a job 2 hours away (one way) that was scheduled for 15hr days @ 6 days a week. I was ecstatic, knowing this would refill my savings since work had been slow. the first night after work while I was asleep, she went through my phone and grabbed the phone numbers for the front office and my foreman. it took two days for them to fire me due to my ex calling them, demanding I have shorter hours so I could be home more incase she needed me.... I was livid but just pushed it down deep like I had been.
as a result, I couldn't afford the house and it was lost. I managed to find a double wide trailer in a shady looking trailer park to rent, but it was better than sleeping in the truck. as I pulled up with the u haul, she flipped out demanding to explain how she is going to explain where she's living to her mother. I suggested her mom not visit, but that I see now was wrong of me.
at this stage of the relationship I'd given up. the only reason the worst didn't occur was because she would hide my truck keys wallet and phone when home. "no need to leave the house when everything you need is here" ... Id defaulted to accepting guilt for anything. constantly apologizing and feeling horrible for whatever happened that caused me to apology. not because I felt bad but because id been trained at this point to de-escalate any occurrence ASAP to reduce any possible injuries. at this point I've had several stitches and stress headaches so painful they'd cause me to black out.
shortly after moving into the trailer, I snapped inside. not mentally, but in a way when I told myself that im tired of it and wanted out. I think what caused me to start thinking like that was that I didn't have money for ruby Tuesdays and she went off on me calling me useless and such and threatened to leave.
☆☆☆never threaten to leave unless you're willing to☆☆☆
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☆☆☆if she/he threatens to leave, let them. if they're willing to leave you once, they'll do it again☆☆☆
to this day, I will instinctively apologize if something happens around me. if not acknowledged, I feel horrible, as if i was a kid again and got caught doing something i wasnt supposed to.
a good friend of mine lived 2 streets over thankfully. when she began the screaming and throwing stuff, drinking glasses shattering against the wall, my "zbox" controller at the ceiling fan, ricocheting off the wall and hitting me. I grabbed my bookbag, grabbed my cell and a few small things like my wallet and grabbed the landline hand-held, and called 911. she began screeching like she was on fire. I was desperately trying to control my breathing while telling the operator my location and I need help, when the phone line went quiet. I had stepped outside the trailer in a attempt to hear the operator, but now it was scary quiet. I open the front door with the phone still in my hand and my bookbag on my shoulder. I open the door to see she had self harmed herself with a kitchen item and had cut the phone cord. I grabbed my phone and took a photo off her and the phone base where you could see her hand print from grabbing the wire to cut it with her other hand using the kitchen tool she'd used.
I dropped the phone and headed to my friends house. when I got there I quickly explained what had happened and without a second thought, he welcomed me in and to help however he could... hearing those words after everything id been going through, those words broke me, I cried like a newborn. an hour later the police show up. due to the 911 call being interrupted, then went to investigate and when they arrived to the trailer, my ex was making such a huge scene that they couldn't get her to say what happened... (she also didnt know which house was my friends) ..which according to her, "i attacked her with the handheld phone and shoved her" .. thankfully they knew this was idiotic and explained she was packing her things to leave and her mom and sister would be over to help her.
short version of the end, they came and left all of her things but took everything of mine. the TV, clothes, work clothes. pc, "Zbox", laptop, food, anything I personally would have used in a daily basis.
the point of this part was to understand you're never alone. even if its a friend you had a rough past with, when you're in dire need of help, youd be surprised who will help.
if your spouse takes/steals any of your items document it, find a receipt or something showing you're the one that purchased the item and notify the police. given the situation I was in, there wasn't much I could do, but thats for another long post. and if you read up to this point thank you.