I want to start exploring my spiritual side, but I feel automatic panic when thinking about it. Idk what to do or where to start
*automaticly translated from my native language
Hi!
I am MtF20, I know this is going to make me feel afraid tonight, but I need to say it.
Since I was little, I’ve had a special panic regarding "system errors." But at the same time, I have an interest in them. Especially when I think about possibilities like reincarnation, the fact that a higher entity might exist, or NDE, I freeze up. I can research, and I want to do it, maybe for a few hours, but I always end up blocked and in a panic. I also have a panic of dreaming; when I was little, I had many nightmares and lucid dreams that turned into nightmares because of this panic toward the spiritual that I’ve always had. Luckily for me, for years now I can almost never remember what I dream when I wake up, which is honestly a relief for me. Although I do have some memories of dreams from when I was little: once I was trapped in a well in my neighborhood, and I never got out of there; another time I was in a local shop in my neighborhood but everything was in a "Halloween mode" that scared me, honestly, I don't know how to explain that. In general, I've never had a good relationship with these things, as you can see. I’ve never given importance to the second dream; the first one, I’ve always been afraid that it was something "real." They are dreams from when I was less than 10 years old and I don't know why I still remember them, but I do know I’ve had a panic of dreaming for many years.
Even regarding trifles like programming errors in computer systems, though luckily I was able to start overcoming that.
When I was little, my mother always told me an anecdote: I didn’t start talking until I was 4, but apparently, I knew how to speak perfectly: I didn’t talk because I didn’t want to. I also have the memory of seeing a lady who looked a lot like someone I made in "The Sims"; I was terrified to see her in front of my bed. To me, it must have been something real because even my mother validated to me that "the whole family has seen that lady at some point. Everyone in our family has told a similar story." In general, it’s always been said that my house is "cursed," and for some reason, I was afraid of my room to the point that I ended up moving to a smaller room voluntarily.
All of this, along with having always said since I was little "I want to be a woman" even though theoretically my body was a man’s, and the fact that for me the problem was never my body itself but simply that I didn’t feel like a man and felt they were treating me as someone I wasn’t; and that I have a strange obsession with railways since I was very little, a connection I don’t understand very well how I could have developed, leads me to believe that I must have lived more lives. I don’t know exactly what, but it’s all too strange to be a coincidence. I want to explore my spiritual side more, but I am lost. I am not religious; I was raised in an atheist family, which hasn’t stopped my mother from always telling me that "there is something more, I don’t know what, but karma exists," although I always refused to believe her.
The fact that my father died of a sudden heart attack and I dreamed about him many times. but I remember one day in particular where I was in his house and he talked to me as if he weren't dead, but knowing that he was, with total normality and just as my father was, still impacts me. I feel it was really him, but I have no desire to prove it. I think my mother also had dreams like that where he asked what had happened to him and my mother explained it to him.
I am also autistic, ADHD, OCD... in case it helps with all this.
Please, if anyone can help me alleviate the panic and start with this, I would appreciate it very much. I don’t even know where I should start.
Thank you very much in advance!