It’s hard to beautify yourself for inside the home when you have small children. And even harder if you have an active sex life.
Men need to lower their gaze so their expectations can be redressed. It is not likely for a woman to be completely dolled up all the time if she is looking after small children. It is difficult to shower without waiting for the husband to return back from work to watch the babies/toddler. Cooking multiple times a day for multiple people, small children need breastfeeding extremely often as well, cleaning the house so it’s not a bomb sight, which makes you very sweaty because you have to do as much as you can at supersonic speed. There’s always something that falls short, and that is normal. Husbands you need to give your women time to make themselves feel pretty. They will act better if they are given the chance and peace to beautify themselves and you benefit too.
Post-sex ghusl for women is extremely burdensome due to the hair washing issue. In fact modern day hijab overall ruins the hair. It causes balding at the front. Everybody knows it. Then you have to wash it every night if you have an active intimate life, go to bed with it wet or wake up kids with hairdryer. Or you could not shower at night but that means you’re waiting til after isha and then skipping tahajjud. And then isha can be extremely late. This is a painful reality for women who want to have enjoyable lives and please their husbands. It feels impossible and always like you’re feeling short even though the same things we are valued with are the things making it hard to retain our value ie hair.
Men should really be supportive and appreciative of their wives who are trying their best and aren’t perfect especially with small children in the home. I know for a fact this is difficult for me and I try my absolute hardest everyday for everything to seem perfect on the outside but it never feels enough and I can never enjoy any of these things. Men take for granted how they can go between tasks and immerse themselves in each task and leave each task feeling satisfied and as though it was completed properly without it blowing back in their face.
Btw this is also why it’s important to live close to family. So that you can get 10 minutes to yourself to use the bathroom. And then if you’re lucky shower. And then if you’re lucky change your outfit. And then if you’re lucky do your makeup. And then if you’re lucky do your hair. But of course what is most important is the man you marry. If after you’ve spent all day teaching, playing, caring, feeding his children with your breast and your cooking skills, cleaning the house, managing his appointments, keeping on top of your prayers, dhikr, he won’t relieve you of your duties for half an hour for you to have some time to yourself to feel like you again; then that’s unfortunate. Women need the help to transition from mother to wife. It is for your benefit, men.
Allah help us and make the men of our ummah appreciate the emotional and mental load just existing trying to be ‘pleasing’ places on a woman who is built fragile.
There’s more to life than your wife being perfect at everything, please enjoy life together, whether she is wearing sweat pants or not. Whether she is wearing makeup or not. Whether you’ve eaten chicken and rice for the 4th time this week.