new vs old marks
Anyone else have a weird indulgence in others seeing your scars, but only if they’re healed?
I don’t want to share self harm with anyone until it’s been long enough that they won’t start worrying or trying to get me to talk about it. Like I need the emotional moment to pass before I can let someone see. Once they’re healed it almost feels like a badge of honor, but someone seeing them before they’ve healed just feels embarrassing and vulnerable. I gatekeep them while they’re healing.
Conversely, I don’t like for people to see my really old scars, the ones on my arms that I did as a teen before I realized I needed to be better at placing them inconspicuously. I can control now whether people see the newer ones because they are only on my hips. I honestly think those are pretty, and if people are seeing them that means we are close enough to be seeing each other that way, or that I’m showing off my body i.e. bikini.
It all just comes back to control, controlling how vulnerable I appear to be and controlling how people will respond. I often reach for connection after I cut, but I don’t share them like I often did when I was younger. It’s too vulnerable when it’s fresh. Anyone else?