I’m done throwing my pearls to swine
I was raised in a highly religious, high shame environment. My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve had to bend over backwards to be understood or heard or even just listened to. I waste so much emotional energy trying to please and understand people I care about in my life who have never done the same for me especially in areas where they haven’t experienced the things I’ve gone through, or have some kind of moral qualm about how things made me feel, or don’t understand how hard it is to be a woman in a deeply and inherently misogynistic environment.
It’s so engrained that the other women in my family think it’s okay or the way things are supposed to be. I’ve spent years trying to get them to understand even little parts of myself but I get ignored or emotionally attacked. I’ve spent years deconstructing my faith and my beliefs and I’m at a point where I finally feel like I’m not some kind of mistake that “God” made only to hate.
I’ve had realizations recently that have led me back to the words of Jesus (apologies to anyone who doesn’t subscribe to/disagrees with using the bible in any case which I completely understand, but I still sometimes find comfort in many of the words of Jesus and do not take with it the other more harmful themes and ideas present). I recently read Matthew 7:6, for those unfamiliar it goes as follows: “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”
Regardless of its original intended meaning, what it means for me now is this: I’m done trying to be seen and understood by those who will not ever. No amount of effort on my end will ever make people who don’t want to understand me do so magically. I believe that myself and others were made lovingly and for a reason and I refuse to waste my time and energy on people who don’t see that.
I’m queer, I point out harm when I see it not to shame but to repair, I acknowledge my own mistakes without shame but instead correct them and move on and improve and grow as a person. I’m proud to be a woman and I refuse to believe I or any other woman is the “weaker vessel” none of us are. I refuse to hate myself for the very things I love about myself and I refuse to put my energy into trying to fix the people who made me feel like I should.
You are worthy of love and care and understanding, we all are. Do not waste your breath trying to fix people, use it to love yourself and the people who are truly worthy