After 14 years in therapy, a few things feel off
I’ve been seeing the same psychologist (CBT) for about 14 years. Overall he has helped me with a lot of practical things like work issues and interpersonal conflict, and I generally trust him.
But there are a few moments over the years that don’t sit quite right with me, and lately I’m wondering if I’m misinterpreting things or if these interactions are actually a bit odd.
For context: I’ve been in a major depressive episode for about 5 years that I can’t seem to get out of. Before that I was very different — I jogged regularly, biked to work, exercised, had more energy. I told him I feel like my personality changed, but he said it hasn’t. I couldn’t tell if he was reassuring me or saying that this is just who I am.
Here are the specific moments that stood out to me:
• “You’re miserable.”
During one session he said “you’re miserable.” It landed like he was describing me as a miserable person. I later brought it up because it bothered me. It made me feel ashamed, even though I know I am currently very miserable (crying a lot, stuck in depression).
• Comment about trauma.
Because my upbringing involved neglect and verbal/emotional abuse affecting many areas of my life (CPTSD / relational trauma), he once said it would be easier to help me if I had been raped, because that would be a single identifiable event rather than something affecting everything.
• Progress comparison.
Around that same period he said most people would have seen more improvement than I had by now.
• Exercise labeled addiction.
About 5 years ago I used to run 5 km a few times a week and bike to work. It made me feel proud and healthy. He described that as an addiction, and after that it made me feel like the accomplishment meant nothing.
• Going blank when asked about wants.
When he asks about my desires, likes, or goals, I sometimes go blank. He pointed out that if I’m like this with him in a stable, predictable environment (same office, punctual, consistent), imagine how it must be outside. That comment mostly made me self-conscious and anxious about not being able to answer.
• Comparison with other patients.
He once asked why his other patients don’t feel the way I do (related to anxiety). I didn’t know how to respond to that.
• Gardening comment.
I recently started gardening. He said that’s not how I’m going to meet people. After that, when I went gardening, I suddenly felt ashamed, like I’m a hermit or loser for doing solitary things.
• “We’ve known each other a very long time.”
Sometimes he randomly says in session: “We have known each other a very, very, very long time.” It isn’t followed by anything else. It leaves me feeling anxious or confused, like there is an implication I’m missing.
• Phone call incident.
After a bad experience at a psychiatry clinic he recommended, I emailed him explaining what happened. He called me about 30 seconds after I sent it and snapped “I told you not to text me,” and hung up quickly. I had emailed, not texted, because he had previously asked not to send details via text.
Later when I tried to discuss the clinic experience he said it wasn’t necessary to talk about it. Two years later when I brought up the phone incident, he said he thought I was “poking him,” which confused me because I’ve never tried to provoke him.
To be fair, these are only a few odd moments across 14 years. He has helped me with many practical issues.
My main struggles are lack of close relationships, social anxiety, and CPTSD. I think he wants me to get out there more socially. The problem is that I’ve actually had periods in my life with a lot of social interaction, but those connections rarely turn into meaningful relationships, and when things don’t go well it often increases my anxiety and makes me want to avoid people more.
I can't tell I’m overthinking these moments or if others would also find some of this concerning.
Would people consider these normal interactions in long-term therapy?