He is not violent or physically abusive, but he is easily overstimulated and has a tendency to yell and become demanding as a response to the normal chaos of kids. It’s not his actions that she fears—it’s the emotional tension we experience trying to meet his sensory needs (spotless house, physical distance, minimal noise, etc.)
For example, the kids might be having fun bouncing around dancing to a YouTube video, and he doesn’t like the noise, so he comes in and starts yelling at them and forcing them to do chores as a punishment for being too loud. He’s a total Grinch, constantly raining on their parade, and he doesn’t seem to see or care how it’s affecting their relationship.
I don’t know how to address this issue because I have to walk on eggshells around him, too. When I try to bring it up, he becomes very hostile and defensive. In response, the kids and I grow increasingly detached. It’s a toxic dynamic, and he doesn’t seem to see or care about his role in it. He feels completely justified in his behavior and most comfortable withdrawing into his TV or phone with minimal effort to repair after these outbursts.
I think for a long time he masked these types of responses/impulses, but the stress of fatherhood made it harder for him to do. We have gone to three different couples therapists. He masks very well in their offices and it’s been a waste of money as these conversations have remained unproductive in fostering empathy/communication, etc.
Any advice from folks who’ve walked a mile in his shoes—I’d really appreciate from the bottom of my heart. I see him behavior as a cry for help.