Queer or not queer
I’m trying to get some thoughtful perspectives on this because I’m starting to question my initial stance.
I know someone who identifies as a cis straight man, but his life and relationships don’t fit neatly into that box. He’s currently in a relationship with a nonbinary AFAB person who is bi and poly. He also describes himself as poly by orientation, not a lifestyle choice but “this is who I am and always have been”.
He enjoys wearing makeup, does drag, and likes feeling pretty in dresses. He’s expressed attraction to trans women and AFAB nonbinary people, which he still considers within his understanding of being straight.
At one point, he asked me if he could call himself queer. My initial response was no mainly because he identifies as a cis straight man, and I felt like “queer” isn’t a label for people who are straight and cis.
But now I’m questioning that. His relationship is queer, his expression is gender nonconforming, and his attractions don’t feel strictly heteronormative in practice, even if that’s how he labels himself.
So I’m curious how others see this:
Is “queer” something defined strictly by identity labels (like not straight/cis)?
Or can it also reflect lived experience, relationships, and gender/sexual expression?
Was I wrong to tell him he shouldn’t use that label?
Not trying to gatekeep, just genuinely trying to understand where the lines are (if there even are any).