u/rhapdog

Links to feedback:

Feedback 1: Reach for the Stars

Feedback 2: Untitled

_________________________

Love's Hurt

The hurt wrenches deep inside.
I just can’t fight the pain.
It seems as though something’s died,
And my life’s just been in vain.

Is life still living on?
Or has death now taken stand?
The cord of life is severed;
Can a knot be tied by His hand?

The struggle rages all the more;
I fight to keep my hold.
The life force cries in anguish,
It’s devastation to behold.

My life is cradled in His arms,
At last it’s in God’s grace;
There will be no death today,
Yet the scars mar my soul's face.

Links to feedback:
Feedback 1: Not sure- HWMNBN
Feedback 2: Jian Bird

This one is my life story in three parts.
Part 1, searching, struggle, heartbreak
Part 2, anguish, rupture, transition, dawn
Part 3, New life from the seed, not perfect, but with hope.

---

A Seed Planted in Shadow

Part 1

In school she was the one,
I struggled and I tried,
But failed to make her love me;
Deep within me something died.

In a world full of people,
Alone, out of control,
Seven years seemed eternal,
My heart was never whole.

I met her once again,
I believed the timing was right.
Make a new start together,
Make her heart shine bright.

I took a vow to wed,
To fix her downcast heart.
A child, a son, this will work!
This time we will not part.

But deep within, an empty space,
With nothing left inside.
A mask strung on a stranger's face,
I fought hard to keep my pride.

The bills came to my door,
Increasingly hard to pay.
Home arguments every night,
And many through the day.

One day she walked out the door,
The silence was so loud.
I could bear this pain no more,
Twelve years a laden cloud.

---

Part 2

Struggle within, darkness without,
Numbness all around.
The years I've wasted with my life,
Questions of life abound.

Struggle within,
Darkness without,
Pain taken hold...
I NEED A WAY OUT!

I cried out for God to help me,
Please, hear my anguished plea!
Please do not forsake me,
I just can't live as me!

Then the Lord heard my cry,
Out of darkness I was sent;
To set forth to find the one,
The Lord said for me was meant.

On a long journey,
The Lord led the way;
To find my destination,
The heart that would stay.

Then your love found me;
God's love did extend.
Confused, surrounded by blessings,
I could not comprehend.

Self-imprisonment ended;
My soul has at last been freed.
Your love mended my spirit;
We have planted a new seed.

---

Part 3

Our love, it grows,
In the Son it thrives.
With His word and gift of sight,
He brings healing to our lives.

A child arrives, but not to fix
A marriage in disrepair.
A daughter to heal the hurt,
Of a son lost so unfair.

Girl number two arrives,
While laughter fills our home.
Diapers, late feedings,
Detangling with a comb.

Medical bills, a car breaks down,
Life just won't relent.
So we keep pushing on
Together with one intent.

We join forces to make things work,
It's what the Lord designed;
For we are not meant to be alone,
The Union is on our mind.

The moments, the days go by,
Our love will endure.
We've placed our trust in Him
For the life He keeps secure.

The river of life flows downstream;
The years of life can cleanse—
When love unleashed is allowed,
Viewed through God's own lens.

Written in a tight 7-6-7-6 meter. This is intended to be a spoken-word piece read aloud for an audience. I'm looking for feedback on the rhythm, pacing, and how well the narrative arc/twist lands when read. Thanks!

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1tc5y46/comment/olluu24/?context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1tc5wms/comment/olm75ob/?context=3

The Infiltrator

Part 1

For many years he watched them,
Power grabs, backroom deals;
As he sat there in his riches,
He saw the leaders steal.

As he watched they took control
Of commerce, courts, and state;
They squeezed the weak for profit,
And sealed the people’s fate.

Behind closed doors, they did scheme
For money and for fame,
Take the common men for fools,
For power they did aim.

He saw the brokenhearted,
Those wrecked in poverty.
He rose to help the masses,
He vowed to set them free.

He traded wealth for wildfire,
A leader fierce and brave;
He pledged his life to the crowd,
To fight down to the grave.

He picked up a few helpers,
Crowds had begun to talk;
His thund’rous voice shook the streets,
Hit like an aftershock.

He entered the arena,
And addressed the people there;
He said that he would change things,
And save them from despair.

Part 2

"Don't act like shameful leaders,
They exploit with schemes;
Stand as one united front,
And fear will haunt their dreams."

With loyal shouts, hateful sneers.
Some loved him, some despised,
His words struck like a hammer,
And burned away their lies.

They declared his good deeds false,
To keep his voice at bay;
Leaders scrambled, covered up,
The truth caused disarray.

Take his life, by force they must,
This man just cannot stay.
"It's you they're really after,"
"I am just in the way."

Examine him, find a flaw,
Remove him from the scene.
Show that he did break the law,
And prove that they were clean.

A smear campaign, vicious lies,
To keep him bound in chains;
Each attack they threw his way,
Spread terror through their veins.

With false claims they set him up,
They tried to crush his name;
He agreed to face his fate,
And bore the crooked blame.

Part 3

The shrewd judge found no crime to try,
"What have they brought to me?"
The angry mob persisted,
The judge did bend the knee.

An ordered execution;
A "Capitol" offense,
For exposing dirty leaders,
With simple common sense.

They carried out the sentence,
A swift and brutal deed;
It had to be done quickly,
To kill his planted seed.

They saw their foe defeated,
A burial would wait;
While mourners wept in silence,
And scoffers showed their hate.

A breach in security,
Suppression was their scheme;
The guards were paid for silence,
They wiped the records clean.

He stepped right through the doorway,
The living man in view;
The one sworn dead and finished,
Now proven to be true.

A cloud appears, then he’s gone,
In glory unforeseen;
“He will return, in this same way,
Jesus the Nazarene.”

I wrote this the day my first wife walked out the door, 25 years ago. Thought I'd share. I will share something more recent soon, I'm sure.

There you go,
Drifting away again.
But I’ll still love you,
Holding the hurt within.

It seems we’ve been this way before,
So we’ve been told.
Walking, talking, falling in love,
Putting our lives on hold.

Why is it we both get hurt
Each time we venture in?
We never seem to talk it out.
We just hold the hurt within.

Why can’t we just talk it out?
Don’t hold the feelings inside.
Our problem needs attention now;
There’s no need to keep our pride.

‘Cause this time if we fall away,
We could be gone for good.
No need to waste our lives away
Wondering if we ever could.

Come back to me, love,
Don’t go away again.
It’s more serious than you realize
To hold the hurt within.

This time you’ve gone further
Than you’ve ever gone before.
And I said I love you
As you were walking out the door.

This time it’s so different;
I don’t even feel the pain.
This time I truly understand,
You’ll never return again.

I pray you’ll find peace in your heart;
Find Jesus in your life.
Only then will you realize
That life needs not be strife.

Our life together over—
Separation is our path.
May God forgive you for leaving
And spare you from His wrath.

Links to feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1tc5wms/comment/olm75ob/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1tc32ce/comment/olmcwro/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button