I (24F) am not what my partner (25F)’s beloved parents want for her
My partner’s parents have always pushed her to not settle for anything less than the best. They’re very wealthy, retired early, and spend all their time traveling and consulting. They have connections to high places and make use of them liberally. My partner had every resource available to help her be the top of our class and get into a prestigious Ivy League school. She’s traveled to all seven continents, shes eaten at Michelin star restaurants from a young age. I once saved up to take us to a several hundred dollar tasting menu, and immediately felt embarrassed because we sat down and I realize I had no idea what to do and it was second nature to her. She grew up in a place that had a very clear class divide of “wealthy people and the broke people who make it happen”. She can pick up subtle nuances in formal events that I completely miss. She’s bilingual. They are harder and stricter on her than a parent should be on their grown child (in my opinion) but clearly love her and want the best for her, and she loves them back and deeply values their advice.
I graduated with middling grades, went to state school because I didn’t care to aspire higher, and got my degree with middling grades. I work a job I got without connections. I don’t know anyone in high places, and I don’t care to. I should clarify I’m not a bum: I worked through college, make 100k, have a car, and live in a big city. But the gap between her lifestyle and mine feels enormous whenever her parents are involved.
The one time I went to dinner with them, I felt completely unimpressive. My job (which has a ton of variety and is very interesting) was boring. That I’m a musician (she is too) was uninteresting. Stories about travel were boring too, to them. I said I loved learning surfing from my cousin in Hawaii? Her father blithely replied that he preferred Nicaragua, and the instructors there were very professional. Nothing I had to offer was even worth a follow-up question.
Im a bad influence on her. I tell her to have lazy days. We drink together sometimes. She sleeps over (and with me) without being married. She swears and cracks obscene jokes. I told her grades weren’t worth her sanity. I tell her to skip church if she doesn’t feel like going. I got her into video games and sports. None of these were things she did before she started dating me. Her parents see them as moral failings and wastes of time, and likely see me much the same.
Recently, she’s expressed interest in going to grad school. All her parents have done is told her that because her grades weren’t perfect and she doesn’t have a ton of extracurriculars, she won’t get into the top business schools. I told her I wanted her to go somewhere affordable that was close, and she told me that it wasn’t worth going if she couldn’t get into the top schools. I haven’t found a good way to tell her that she sounds like a pretentious asshole about my state school degree when she parrots her parents like that. I want the best for her, and know that she doesn’t care about garnering the connections that a top school would get her. But she can’t conceptualize settling.
I’ve hit the point of acceptance that her parents will never like me, and that’s their problem to figure out why (definitely not elitism/homophobia). But how do I feel like I’m enough for her? She says I am, but every time her parents come more into her life, I feel more inadequate and fear that their opinions on how worthless I am will take root in her head.