Dating a pathological liar/serial cheater
One of the most destabilizing experiences has to be dating a compulsive liar who’s also a narcissist and a serial cheater. This is going to be a long story..
I matched with a guy on hinge that isn’t just in a different country— he’s on an entirely different continent. At first it was an honest mistake, my location automatically set to his country by default. But honestly? It became deliberate since I soon discovered that the guys there are more my type, looks wise at least. Generally I was aware that nothing serious would really come out of my matches considering the huge distance, but I decided to proceed anyway, just for funsies.
So, this guy, let’s call him Jace. He’s 5 years older but catches my attention immediately, something about his aura and spirit seemed bright and genuine, so naturally, I swipe right. We end up matching and talking a little bit, and one of the first compliments I ever gave this man was “you seem like an authentic person, I like that”. Call me gullible but his smile, his demeanor and the way he talked gave me that vibe. Little did I know.
A month passes. We have fun, we talk every single day, joke around, tease each other, learn about each other’s lives and interests. He has a stable government job, had worked abroad for a year as well, and is very big on traveling in general. He shares wholesome photos of him and his gay best friend that they took on their travels. How sweet, and let me add, the fact that he even has a gay best friend as a straight cis man? Green flags all around!We talk constantly and the usual love-bombing shit unavoidably happens as well as him starting to tease the idea of him visiting me in my home country. Or asking me to come to his as a joke, like all the time. I’m still carefree at that point, very detached, not even sure I’m feeling this guy to the fullest since I’m highly conscious of the love-bombing he’s doing and he’s on the other side of the planet. Also, I find out that his mother has died from cancer and that his parents were divorced and had him very young, his dad has remarried and he has half siblings.
Suddenly as time passes he tells me “I think I want to focus on us, I’m deleting hinge”. He seems very much like the type that wants to settle down and form a genuine bond with a girl so I am thinking like “oh, I wasn’t going to but since you’re doing it, I’ll turn my visibility off as well”. I believe him.
Two months later, after we had called for the first few times and heard each other’s voice in real time, and played video games together, we make it official. Mind you Jace’s instagram was very lowkey, not a lot of followers, and he only made a few annual posts when he travelled. He isn’t the type to be partying or clubbing, only casual hangouts with friends, going bowling, for brunch, that type of stuff. Due to my trust issues from a previous situationship I do end up asking him about a few girls he follows while we are together and making it clear I’m not comfortable with that, but he reassures me and is actually very patient with me. So I believe him again.
One day he seems more inactive and tells me that 3 of his relatives were in a car accident and passed away. I am shocked, I ask to find out more and give him my condolences. He says he doesn’t really want to talk about it right now and he needs some time to grieve and be by himself and his family, like a day or two . I respect his wishes and I believe him. I have second thoughts actually, but I’m like the fuck, his relatives just died, this is very much real, don’t be suspicious. When he comes back, a day later, we have a heartfelt talk, he’s not really willing to give out lots of information about the accident though. If I remember correctly, he told me that his dad cried and it was the first time he saw him cry. We end the conversation by him telling him he loves me for the first time.
We move on and now he insists on coming to me before the new year comes. I told him that while I completely understand his enthusiasm and I am dying to see him as well, considering that he would be staying at my place, I’m just simply not comfortable with that yet and need a little bit more time. Also, I suggest that he sleeps at a hotel or books an Airbnb for the first few nights, just to make me feel a bit more comfortable, safe and warm up to him. I mean, it’s only natural that with everything happening, I wouldn’t want to have to be forced to share a bed with a man I just laid eyes on for the first time on that day, and who might be a potential rapist or murderer for all I know. I trust him, but I need to be safe. He seems reluctant but he understands and says he respects it. When I tell him he sounds unsure he even says some shit like “yeah of course, I’m doing what you asked so I can accommodate to your needs” which was such an understanding and such a textbook “perfect” response that only chatgpt could have generated it. I have second thoughts again because while he was supposedly respectful about it, it seemed hasty and something in my stomach did not feel right. I think “okay, if he just wants a hookup overseas, he’ll get tired of waiting eventually, time will show what his true intentions are”.
Apart from that all is well, daily communication and weekly calls continue. It was a bit of a difficult period ,though, as my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer the first few months of us talking. But luckily her optimism and the doctors’ kept me going. I have a good support system by my side anyway since when I open up to Jace he tells me he knows exactly what that feels like, and that I can talk to him. Remember, his mom had cancer too.
Suddenly, February comes. Jace has decided that he’s bored of his job and wants something bigger for himself, that earns him more money. I mean, even when we play games he tells me “I wish I could buy us a house, get you pregnant and have you not work”. So, he decides to get a master’s degree in law and he starts preparing for a test he has to take for that to happen. Even has the textbooks and shows me some of the prompts and exercises and we talk about them together. I like how our conversations usually kept me on my toes, he challenges my brain to think and defend my opinions because we would debate about things often. However, it usually leads to him saying we have different opinions and we can agree to disagree which is something dismissive lowkey to me and I tell him so. He is very opinionated and has this need to be right. I find it cute since I’m the same way, anyway. We also watch videos on YouTube together, loyalty tests and other stuff of that nature. I find it entertaining, plus he seems very much against cheating according to his commentary.
His account on Instagram gets hacked and he shows me a notification of someone trying to enter from a different country. His ig is down and he doesn’t want to make a new acc so we just text on iMessages like we did anyway at that point.
But suddenly one day he left me on delivered much longer than he ever would usually. I had asked him if he wanted to call that same Saturday . He replied the next day with “good morninggg yess of course”. Then two hours later he abruptly broke up with me, said he’s depressed and needs to focus on himself, yada yada yada. Wishes me the best. I asked him why and whether I did something wrong. He doesn’t reply.
The next few days (which was EXAM period for me btw and he knew this) was difficult for me. I had to come to terms with the idea that this man that I loved and had grown attached to ( for almost 6 months!) ended up to be immature. He obviously must have decided that the distance was too hard on him, or potentially found someone else he liked. Not even mature enough to give me a better excuse or an honest explanation. But I still loved him and cared for him nonetheless and was hoping he was well.
I don’t know what came over me. I get this sudden urge to search him up on Reddit. And that is when, the web of his lies started unraveling. There is a whole ass thread on this guy (same name and last name) claiming he is a serial cheater, narcissist, a pathological liar, spreads stds KNOWINGLY, has sa allegations, has had a train ran on him, photoshopped std results. My whole world collapsed. I’m thinking “hey, it MUST be someone else”. And then I see his Instagram handle.
I try to sit with it for a few days. I dodged a huge bullet. I knew sick people existed, but I always thought I was far away from their reach. I crash out, I sent him a lengthy message and I end it with “I’m glad you didn’t get to touch me with those filthy hands, I’d need to burn my skin off”. No reply
My fbi mode activates even further. I start asking girls off Reddit and TikTok (because I discover there’s a tiktok about him too!!) for more information on him and to share their experiences. I wait a few days and I get no responses. I realize most of the accounts that had commented on the thread were created around the same time which was a lil sus. Then, I get a message from a girl that claims to be his ex’s best friend (this is the only ex he ever told me about). She starts telling me to be careful about what I believe online and that she checks on the thread from time to time. Her reasoning is that when a tiktok about him went viral a few years back, she said “I had actually thought this man might be the devil”. But his ex only had good things to say about him apparently.
That pushed me to make the stupid decision of texting him again and confronting him. I needed legitimate answers. He replies almost instantly and starts telling me his side . At first his whole stance was “I’ve dealt with with for a very long time, you can believe whatever you want about me, my parents and family know who I am” and “if I had actually raped people and spread stds I’d be in jail a long time ago”. As foolish as it sounds I had missed him and I wanted to believe he wasn’t the horrible person they painted him out to be in that thread. That it was all a lie. He pulled the most used card in the book and tried to blame this all on a crazy ex from his past, that he left her and she started spreading fake rumors. He told me he does think about me a lot and that he missed me, he apologizes for ending things the way he did. After we talk for a bit and I ask questions about it all he asks if I want to try again. I say I need to think about things and that I don’t trust him at all, and that trust needs to be rebuilt.
I was at my absolute lowest, and I desperately held onto the belief that my sweet boy would never do such a thing and that yes, indeed,a crazy ex that was just salty wanted to sabotage his next relationships. I wasn’t getting any answers from those girls either! And I tried reaching out on all possible platforms and accounts I could find. I was dedicated to finding the truth. So I stupidly gave him another chance to rebuild my trust and get me back.
Initially, he was an open book, answering every interrogation of mine and even sharing his location to prove his “loyalty” and “honesty”. A month later though, when I find out a relatively recent comment on TikTok and text the girl that made it, I got the confirmation I needed. Concrete proof of him cheating. The girl had taken pics of him holding their food by the door. I sent him screenshots of it, cursed him out saying he’s pathetic and tried calling him with of course, deafening silence from his side. A week later I get a cowardly text of him apologizing for avoiding me and telling me to “take care”. I’m guessing he just wanted a reaction or to ease his own conscience if he’s even capable of feeling guilt.
This was a truly eye-opening experience and if anyone has been through such a betrayal, they know what I’m talking about. It takes a different kind of strength to walk away when your heart is still trying to negotiate with the truth. You grieve a person you thought existed. As time passes, I slowly see all the times I was lied to and I put the pieces of the real story together. He built an alternate reality, using dead relatives, fake mirrored tragedies (cancer) to create a false sense of intimacy. I thank my lucky stars I never slept with this guy or got even more attached to him irl.
It’s been two months and I have found out that he has found a new girlfriend, a new victim to trick. He even went on a trip with her, introduced her to his dad and is really trying to sell that it’s real on social media. Oh yeah, he unblocked me on Instagram, just so I could see ;)
I’m feeling horrible that I’m not warning the girl but I don’t want to get involved with this sick individual in any way. I just know that if it were me I would wish someone told me. I just feel like it’s no use and he’ll brand ME off as the “crazy ex” that’s stalking him, even if I text her anonymously . I hope she finds out the truth, and soon. What else can I do?