u/processing_grief — reddlx

I’m a 24 year old female with a 26 year old boyfriend. At the time we were 23 and 25. Background: In October I experienced my first pregnancy and loss. We didn’t expect it and I didn’t know I was pregnant to begin with. Never suspected anything because I was on birth control and my periods were always light. I never told anyone but my boyfriend because I was so early and I didn’t want to share. I admittedly didn’t process it, nurse brain took over and just deemed it wasn’t really a baby yet anyway. And I’m young and I’m still chasing after furthering my career and my boyfriend during that time had mental health challenges so it wasn’t the time for a baby and I chalked it up to the decision was taken from me and that was that.

Fast forward to November a month later, my boyfriend informed me that his brother and his girlfriend are expecting and everything hit me like a truck. I’m not happy to admit this but I was so angry. They don’t have jobs and they live with their parents and yet they decided to move forward with the pregnancy. I was so pissed and not even my boyfriend knows the depth of how uninvolved I wanted to be around them and how much not even jealously but just absolute anger near hatred I had and kinda still have to them. How irresponsible to make that child go through a life where they will struggle. Since his brother and his girlfriend don’t have a college degree one works in a pizza restaurant and the other a cashier at a dollar store. I just can’t even understand. I am not trying to say I’m better in anyway but completed college and I have a full career and I’m living on my own in an apartment and living good. And even with all that I was concerned about bringing a child into the world but I didn’t get a choice. And at the time I lost my pregnancy it was comforting but at that moment of the news I was angry I never got that choice since they can do it and have support for being so irresponsible. I would never wish a woman to lose her baby, I wouldn’t wish that on my enemies but I did wish she never got pregnant at least I wished it wasn’t so close timing wise I never had the chance to process my grief correctly.

I saw his brothers girlfriend one other time in February and I was okay at the time trying to focus on her and nurse brain took over when I asked if she needed anything for nausea and tips on how to manage it as well as recommending prenatal vitamins. I didn’t feel angry then but now that her baby shower is coming up I feel the grief all over again. Fast forward to now. My boyfriend is still experiencing mental health issues as he was apart of the first responders career. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it because he has his own things to deal with and I never told my mom as we have a strained relationship as it is. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to hence why I’m here.

I just need advice for what to do and how to feel okay and not want to cry when I’m around that. I never thought about children or motherhood as something I always wanted or dreamed of. But after this experience I never want to experience that again and I just can’t look at kids or pregnant people the same it’s like acid crawls to the back of my throat and if I was hungry I definitely lost my appetite.

Please advise in anyway possible thank you

I’m a 24 year old female with a 26 year old boyfriend. At the time we were 23 and 25. Background: In October I experienced my first pregnancy and miscarriage. We didn’t expect it and I didn’t know I was pregnant to begin with. So when I felt my baby ripped out of me with the contractions of having a miscarriage and when I saw my baby I didn’t know how to process. Looking at the size and timing I could have been 4 weeks. Never suspected anything because I was on birth control and my periods were always light. At the time of miscarriage I was spending the night visiting at my parents house and had to deal with the pain and bleeding and throw on a pad to walk around my younger brother’s school career fair as was the plan. I never told anyone but my boyfriend because I was so early and I didn’t want to share. I admittedly didn’t process it, nurse brain took over and just deemed it as a nonviable pregnancy and it wasn’t really a baby yet anyway. And I’m young and I’m still chasing after furthering my career and my boyfriend during that time had mental health challenges so it wasn’t the time for a baby and I chalked it up to the decision was taken from me and that was that.

Fast forward to November a month later, my boyfriend informed me that his brother and his girlfriend are expecting and everything hit me like a truck. I’m not happy to admit this but I was so angry. They don’t have jobs and they live with their parents and yet they decided to move forward with the pregnancy. I was so pissed and not even my boyfriend knows the depth of how uninvolved I wanted to be around them and how much not even jealously but just absolute anger near hatred I had and kinda still have to them. How irresponsible to make that child go through a life where they will struggle. Since his brother and his girlfriend don’t have a college degree one works in a pizza restaurant and the other a cashier at a dollar store. I just can’t even understand. I am not trying to say I’m better in anyway but completed college and I have a full career and I’m living on my own in an apartment and living good. And even with all that I was concerned about bringing a child into the world but I didn’t get a choice. And at the time I lost my pregnancy it was comforting but at that moment of the news I was angry I never got that choice since they can do it and have support for being so irresponsible. I would never wish a woman to lose her baby in a miscarriage I wouldn’t wish that on my enemies but I did wish she never got pregnant at least I wished it wasn’t so close timing wise I never had the chance to process my grief correctly.

I saw his brothers girlfriend one other time in February and I was okay at the time trying to focus on her and nurse brain took over when I asked if she needed anything for nausea and tips on how to manage it as well as recommending prenatal vitamins. I didn’t feel angry then but now that her baby shower is coming up I feel the grief all over again. Fast forward to now. My boyfriend is still experiencing mental health issues as he was apart of the first responders career and suffers from PTSD. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it because he has his own things to deal with and I never told my mom as we have a strained relationship as it is. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to hence why I’m here.

My boyfriends parents are divorced so his step mom came to me at work since we work the same building not floor and shared the invitation to the baby shower and that was the first time I found out they’re having a boy and it’s just becoming more real that I have to deal with seeing them happy and deal with feeling my emotions again. I already said I worked that day and won’t be able to make it but I just genuinely don’t think I can stomach it. I’ll still buy her a gift and all the things I need to but I can’t be around it I’m afraid that I’ll break.

Please advise in anyway possible thank you