I feel like people think I’m crazy.
TW: discussion of burial.
I feel a little bit crazy. The outfit my daughter was buried in had these little tiny flowers on it. I’ve been looking for this fabric everywhere for years. The only place I’ve been able to find it is in a town in Finland (which I feel like is kind of a sign because her name is Finley) but that’s a problem because I’m based in the US. I literally can’t find it anywhere else. And while I did briefly consider paying the $400 for shipping and customs/ tariffs that’s not something I can financially justify. But I definitely considered it. It was like I found a piece of her. I don’t think about it all the time but every so often it comes up. And I feel like people probably think I’m crazy that I want this stupid fabric so much. I don’t even really know what I’d do with it. But it reminds me of her. And I don’t have a lot of mementos of things she actually touched. I miss her so much and it feels like this is something that was “hers”. I don’t know what I’m even trying to say. I just feel like this is the only group that would actually understand why after so long I’m still trying to find this fabric.