u/poofpoofpow

When I’m usually riddled with social anxiety due to past mockery and rejection I’ll usually not speak to people because I’ll assume they want nothing to do with me because im ugly

They will the twist this and spread rumors saying I think im better than them or too good to speak

Then if I speak they complain about me talking to them calling me annoying and etc

You really can’t fucking win when you’re ugly

They’ll say the reason people are rude to you and mock you is because they can sense your lack of confidence and self esteem. “Your poor posture makes you a target for bullying” or “the reason you can’t make friends is because you assume people don’t like you instead of giving them a chance so you push them away” when in reality they really just didn’t fucking like you orr “people avoid eye contact with you because you’re ACTUALLY ATTRACTIVE you intimidate them and they call you ugly and are rude to you bc they’re jealous “

Like be fucking foreal

“I don’t trust them”

“There’s just something off about them idk what it is “

“Their vibe is off…”

“I don’t like them”

“I hate them”

It’s so wild to me how other people have the unknown privilege of getting most of their fulfillment from OTHER people

The average person I see has SOO much family and friends and partners that they can hang out with at any given time, Who they talk to on the phone with regularly, who they text all the time, who they have sex and intimacy with (with the partners of course, shit sometimes even their own friends)

Point is the average person seems to spend most of their time around people rather than on a phone or in a book, like me

I’m forced to get my source of enjoyment from the internet and on my phone or through other solitary means when I want to interact with people

But when youre ugly, you know how that goes, people just don’t want you around them

And this just makes me feel so abnormal

If you saw my screen time you’d be embarrassed for me I have very little interaction with people and it’s all because of my ugly face and I hate it

I wish I looked normal

A constant stressor in my life is having to deal with people constantly talking badly about me and trying to sabotage me even when I haven’t done anything to them

What usually happens is I’ll be neutral or even respectful and when I leave the room people will say “I don’t like him” “there’s just something about him”

And I’ll always be confused because how can there be something about me when I haven’t thought about you badly, haven’t said or done anything bad to you, ironically THIS is when I do start having bad thoughts about people and start showing irritation or frustration because you just rejected me at my best? wtf do you want from me ?

Then when I snap or show negative emotions they can use that as justification for the thing that was “off” about me that they provoked and projected onto me

When I show one minor flaw they exaggerate tf out of it like if I leave something on the counter they’ll literally say “he’s so sloppy he’s so disgusting and Inconsiderate”

Whereas if it’s someone else they show compassion and understanding and say “oh that’s a genuine mistake on their part”

It’s fucking annoying and makes me hate people and feel like everything I do is so closely monitored, judged, and scrutinized

Most people genuinely believe they got their friends, relationships, sexual, and professional success due to their own personal efforts and merit

I believe most things in life are affected by the things you can’t control regardless of effort

I think most things in life are accomplished based off your natural genetic potential for them

So for example those students who succeed in school likely aren’t putting much conscious effort into it they just are that naturally smart genetically so it’s a breeze for them whereas someone else would have to try harder and still not get it because they don’t have the intellectual capacity

I could give more examples but yeah what are your thoughts ?

It feels like everything you say and do is held under a magnifying glass and blown out of proportion

Example: *I walk into a room*

Stranger: “omg Lmaoaoa look at how he walks”

When I’m literally just existing

Another Example: *i walk into a room*

Person I’ve rarely ever interacted with: “ugh I can’t stand him”

Idk if you can relate to this but for me It literally feels like me existing , minding my business, and not saying anything IRRITATES people soo much to the irrational point that I feel forced to monitor everything about my body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc

just to not trigger somebody…

It gets to a point I’m scared of walking past people or even entering a space full of familiar people because it feels like you being ugly is always the elephant in the room and people just automatically don’t like you and find issue with literally ANYTHING ABOUT YOU

Sometimes I don’t even leave my room to talk to my roommates while they’re chopping it up because I feel like they’d look at each other and be like “ugh why is he here” even tho I didn’t do anything to them they just don’t like me for being ugly and they’ll find any other reason to justify it

I feel like:

I can’t show too much happiness or it’ll annoy people

I can’t show too little enthusiasm or emotion or it’ll annoy people

I can’t talk too much or it’ll annoy people

I can’t talk too little or it’ll annoy people

I can’t be nice or it’ll annoy people

I can’t be self focused or it’ll annoy people

I can’t be to myself or it’ll annoy people

I can’t be around people or it’ll annoy people

I can’t show frustration or it’ll annoy people

It literally feels like you can’t do ANY FUCKING THING when you’re re ugly without people finding something wrong with it

Or a reason to HATE YOU