What are the options for getting a free mental health assessment or diagnosis as an adult in Nova Scotia? Looking for a thorough assessment that doesn’t just lead to a single 1 hr appointment and a prescription. Looking for a diagnosis I can then take to get therapeutic help instead… thank you.
TW: hoarding & family death
My whole life, nMom left the home a mess. There were unorganized things stashed everywhere, but of course, my belongings were “junk”. I was constantly pressured to dump my belongings. I felt so much shame I didn’t want to, and nMom flipped the script, calling me the hoarder- blaming me for the state of the home.
8 years ago nMom declared we MUST clean the attic, by putting fear into me that we would be evicted at any moment and would need to be able to pack up easily (she didn’t pay rent for TEN years- but we were never kicked out, and I live there still today WITHOUT nMom). The pressure to dump kicked in. She passed me two bags full of holiday, birthday, etc cards- all addressed to me. I saw the look on her face, heard the tone in her voice. We checked them for money and dumped them. I remember feeling so much hesitation but told myself this is good, I can’t hold onto things, I have to learn to dump them.
I’ve always regretted it. Here & there I would remember and feel sad. 2 years later I began keeping all new cards I received. I don’t know what’s happened the last few weeks- but it’s torn me apart. I feel almost non functional with regret and grief. I want my cards back, but they are gone, and I have no memories of them. In search of answers, I told nMom how I felt, how I felt pressured (don’t worry- according to her she has NEVER called anything of mine junk), and asked why she kept them to begin with. She said she didn’t know. I said I specifically wish I had kept the cards from my grandmother, who passed 5 years ago (I luckily found 4 cards later, stashed elsewhere). She said grandma didn’t care about cards, so she wouldn’t mind I had dumped them. I cried and cried and she reassured me Nan didn’t care, Nan didn’t keep her cards, and that she was lying (I said multiple times I felt she wasn’t being truthful, because of her expression).
Well it still didn’t sit right with me, so I kept thinking. Why were they all cards for me- and not mom? Why did they only go up to around age 9? Why did she suddenly not want them? Well I got my answer. My nan kept them, not my mom. So I tossed out cards from my grandmother, that my grandmother specifically kept, because my nMom pressured me to and then she lied about it so I wouldn’t make a fuss. She admitted they were nans and has refused to speak about it to me since, ignores me when I bring it up. She instead brings up how I dumped (inexpensive) purses with broken zippers, straps & had been torn up by rats when she later moved out and I had to fetch her stuff from the attic, as if it is a comparable tragedy.
I’m so beyond frustrated with everything, life, the past, and who I am as a result of how nMom raised & treated me. At 30 I feel I am going through a rebirth realizing how wrong things were & how permanently they’ve affected my brain, my mental health, my personality. I’ve come to realize I can’t process or connect to things the ways others do, and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, both to go through so much more emotion, but also to feel so alone as no one understands!
It runs through my head 24/7 and feels such a burden to bear. I would’ve loved to have the cards- and I know it’s normal to be sad, but I feel so downtrodden about it. It feels I’ve “spoiled” my life, and have ruined something irreparable. I hate to fully blame nMom as I ultimately made the decision myself, but also, I feel mad she didn’t protect me by keeping them even though I didn’t want them at the time (I was 21 and on medication- and not sentimental at the time as grandma was still alive but had dementia, so thinking about her felt hard and painful). To make it all the worst as soon as grandma passed mom purged as much of her belongings as quickly as she possibly could. I snagged a blanket, a box of art I’d given her as a child and her photo albums but the rest is gone, the home was cleared in 2 days.
I can’t understand the cruelty and lack of heart. I struggle so much, in part of being around nMom my whole life, with experiencing guilt. I see nMom (and others) do horrible, selfish things yet forgive themselves instantly. Sometimes I fear I over compensate myself then by punishing myself for smaller mistakes or guilts severely- in hopes of “righting wrongs” in the world if that makes sense. But I feel so guilty about these cards- and sad I don’t have them now to preserve & display it’s unbearable. I see boxes similar size of other things I’ve kept of lesser value and feel sick. I broke down at the store last weekend after seeing the card aisle. I used to love to give & receive cards the last few years. Now my stomach turns. I don’t have issues dumping belongings now- but I deeply regret dumping these cards. I wish I had even taken photos of them before tossing, but I didn’t.
I feel so lost! I would deeply appreciate to hear any insight, advice… warm words… etc.