Just broke up, feeling lost
The guy (25M) I (22F) had been seeing for 7 months, I ended things with him. We had a rocky beginning to our “relationship” (never really used labels hence the quotes) because I had a lot of people from my past who were lingering into the present, understandable why he had an issue. Though we agreed both of us date to marry, I was still seeing where things were going because I had gotten out of my previous one 3 months prior to meeting him, yet things happened as they did. I did cut my ex off, stopped hanging out with questionable people aswell, all while being in a situationship with him because i really wanted this to go somewhere. I understood his boundaries because of his trust issues (he was cheated on in the past) and i never really had any demands from him. He is from my hometown, stays in my locality, and i was finishing up college last semester, so 6 months out of 7 were LDR. I used to open upto him about my past in layers, as I got closer to him, but two things he didnt approve of:
I had pecked my girl bestie on the lip as a joke two years ago, and at the time both of us were dating and neither of our bfs had an issue with it. When i told him about this he lashed out, cause im bisexual and i had physical intimacy with her. Had i been straight, it wouldnt have been an issue, acc to him.
I am moving abroad for my masters, and its been my dream since i was a child. I am ambitious and i like challenges, i like working, so ofc i would want to get some work experience there before i make a decision to move back or not. He wanted an affirmative from me that “you will come back in a few years and we will end this LDR” it was never “oh i will try applying abroad to come closer to you to help you achieve ur dreams” because he had it clear he wanted to stay with his parents after marriage, which also i was okay with, but it was ofc an added pressure. Im all of 22 about to kickstart my career and here you are asking me to make decisions for the far future. What if i love it out there? What if i dont want to move back? And whenever i used to tell him this his response was always “so its not the person for you its the lifestyle”
My upbringing has sort of been very progressive, my parents have always encouraged me to be financially independent and go live my life, and most importantly be happy. I have had to cut off my bestf because of him, who i later patched things up with but still things can never be the same, and distanced myself from all my college friends, stopped socialising wherever my ex was present, basically used to sit in my room for 3 months straight and just spend time with him, rarely go out. I felt trapped, but i didnt wanna acknowledge it because it was for the greater good ie building that emotional safety that he can have with me which wasnt there in the beginning. Yes i have hidden things from him (small ones) cause i was afraid of his reaction, and when he found out it was worse. Idk i seldom was comfortable sharing everything with him, how it is supp to be like with a partner.
Today when i ended things, he said i deceived him all these 7 months, promised him that i would make the changes (which i did) but chickened out at the end (which i also did but it was physically affecting me to the point where my anxiety was making me throw up thrice a day). I was have nightmares abt k*lling myself, which felt peaceful. I dreaded waking up in the morning, all because of so much friction bw my friends and i. I didnt want college to end on this note, so i finally mustered up the courage and told him today, for good. We have been here before, where i started off the convo w “i cant do this” and ended up not breaking up, but no i think I am done for good this time.
I have been so emotionally drained out for a couple of weeks, and have end sems going on rn. Spoke to a friend, she said i did the right thing. Is love supposed to be this hard? Or is it a sign that its not meant to be?