u/onechanceonekiss

I posted on here a few days ago about my 15 year limerence I had while married...

I deleted the post because I just felt so ashamed and I read all the comments totally confirming all I know.

Basically the communication with LO exploded and we haven't talked in a few days. After basically talking everyday for weeks.

He really just kept arguing with me the same argument we have been having for years.

Just going round and round in circles and never taking any accountability.

Same toxic cycle I know is wrong.

Anyway, I have him blocked.
I still miss him. I can't say I don't.
I'm trying so hard right now to not reach out.

I'm trying so hard to just stay busy and occupied. Just these past few weeks of talking with LO after years of nothing has made it hard because now so many random things remind me of him that never did before and I'm trying so hard to stay strong.

But I know in my heart this obsession is no good.

My husband and I are currently trying to work on our issues.

I'm posting this here and not in the regular relationship thread because I need to get this out in a space that hopefully understands more about falling under limerence.

I completely realize how 100% messed up my situation is. I totally get it.

I've been with my husband for 12 years but I have always had this limerence for someone from my past and its been a constant thing for 15 years.

LO and I broke each others hearts forever ago and never talked again but I'd look him up, he'd look me up etc... I've always been scared to talk to him because he will never understand the circumstances of our break up and I was always trying to be respectful of my current relationship.

He's tried to reach out to me a handful of times through out the years. But it always felt like "hey whats up" type stuff and nothing deeper... I've for the most part resisted. Said "I wish you well" type stuff and he'd get angry and block me. Or I'd get angry and block him. Back and forth.

I'd do a pretty good job of shoving away all my feelings but secretly all these years I still thought of him. I'd obsess, daydream, wonder... all this over a super short turbulent relationship that never completely flourished back in my early 20's. I've never again experienced the same physical and mental chemistry as I did with him. The relationship was very short like a couple of months... So it was always about who I thought he was or what I thought we could be.

My husband is who I fit with. He's kind, caring, has never called me anything horrible, has treated me with respect. But our relationship has felt sort of stale the past couple of years. It has felt like we are just friends. I've brought this up to him and have tried to encourage to get him to be more romantic with me. It helps for a little bit but then we fall back into "comfortable"

This is important for this next part.

A few weeks ago LO reached out to me and said what I wish he had said for years. That he's always felt this connection to me and that this whole time he's never been in a real relationship because of me. (I'm skeptical. I know he's basically has avoidant/narcissistic tendencies) In a moment of weakness after being romantically rejected by my husband I replied to him and we spent the whole day talking. Only to find out that we are incredibly similar in so many ways. We never got to these depths of conversations in our 20's. The way our conversations flow and lose time is something unlike I have ever experienced before.

He has me figured out and knows me and my mind more than my own husband does which is sad. In a span of a few days he got me figured out more than the person I have spent years with. Its unreal.

The reason I still am calling this limerence and not love is because I feel like we are both just in love with the idea of each other.

He is still very much hot and cold.

He still refuses to trust me because I broke up with him forever ago and I don't think he ever would. He holds on to that forever. That I broke his heart.

Anyway. Point being, this is an incredibly toxic dynamic. I'm obsessed but he's still hot and cold. And I have a husband.

I need to get over this. How do I get over this. How do I stop checking my phone for messages. How do I stop these ups and downs.

I know how messed up this is.

I should probably start with therapy.

But I am curious about anyone that has limerence like this?

I am so scared even just posting this but I need to get this out.