What infidelity took from me
Sometimes, I just wonder what is wrong with me to have had only 2 girlfriends, who both were unfaithful to me. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like or feel like to do that to a partner and just act like nothing happened afterwards. I guess it felt good because, they were in a good mood afterwards most of the time while I just waited for them. Sometimes, I wonder if I deserved it but at the same time, I genuinely did my best in our relationships; was I perfect? Of course not, but I did do my best to make them happy or content. Would I ever be unfaithful to my future partner? No, I just don’t have it in me to break someone like that.
Now, after both ex’s, I noticed I have gotten colder, more cynical, less caring, more apathetic, more nonchalant, more everything that’s negative. My friends recently set me up on a date with a nice girl, and I had to keep reminding myself to act like I care about her as a person. I had to pretend that I like her enough to call her again. I guess the best way to explain what I felt was that I toned myself down from feeling anything towards people.
I also had a situationships afterwards and I remember them begging me to tell them we were something more than but I just didn’t care about the entire situation because in my mind, she will be unfaithful too, given time.
I’ve been regularly going to therapy for years to deal and to keep myself sane but I guess getting traumatized by having unfaithful partners who lied to me for years just killed the part of me that cared about having romantic relationships. Although, a lot of times I just long for having a partner to come home to, to be excited for, to know that she will choose me because I kept choosing her, to hold, to experience genuine love for. After years of therapy, I still don’t know how to move past the mindset of “She will be unfaithful, hintayin mo lang.”