I really don't know what to do anymore
Hey everyone! First thing first i wanted to apologise for my bad title, and also for my bad English. Also, this is kind of a vent for me as i kept it bottled up for a long long long time
So... I'm in grade twelve, graduating soon. And there's this girl I've known for 10 years and liked for at least 5 (i know, I'm kind of a loser). She's a "friend" of mine... I think? I'll try to explain, sorry if it comes out weird
She's in my class, and as I've said earlier, I've known her for years now and i got to grow up with her. I know she was a lesbian four years ago but now she likes boys and she's single. We always talked, and we had times where we talked everyday (those were the times i crushed hard on her, and after a while it eased but it never fully vanished). At the start of last year (25) we had a pretty big school trip where me and her talked a lot, set beside each other on bus trips and i felt like something really happened between us. She started hugging me and touching me (not in weird ways, but like putting her arm on me and stuff like that) and taking my hoodies, but a friend of mine told me she wasn't interested and i also flew for a month so things just... Cooled down. Throughout the year we talked a lot and she continued to do that stuff but i decided that those aren't signs and i don't want to take that risk.
This year started the same, we had a school trip where we talked a lot, and i got my license so i started giving her a ride to school almost everyday and i felt it was great, but i had a lot on my mind and i missed a lot of school, and it got to a point where i came once a week. When i got better, almost two months had passed and i felt really distant from her (and everyone else but that's not the point)
After a month or two we had another school trip, in which we almost didn't talk at all and she talked to some dude (an ok person, that is ashamed of being friends with me and her because we are nerds). At a party sometime later she confirmed she was still single
So i didn't talk to her almost at all for another two months, because a wat broke out. And when we got back to school (last week), suddenly she talked to me a lot, leaned on me, talked about doing things together and even called me (she never calls anyone) a few times to talk. But... As of yesterday, she just kinda stopped talking again, and in an instant we became this distant -close friends again. She also rejected plans that we sort of made (might have a real reason, maybe not)
Now, I'm lost, she's sometimes nice, sometimes distant, she teases me and takes my things (in a playful way) and sits next to me, but she won't follow me back on Instagram (i told her about this once, she said she will do it right away but she didn't, maybe she forgot, but im not gonna beg for it), and it messes me up so much that it started effecting my personal life
So... Any kind of feedback or your thoughts about the situation would do wonders, thanks!
I want to clarify two things: i know her, she's a good person. She talked about being suck at reading signals, and even if she knew I'm 99.999% sure she wouldn't play me
Second thing, I recently discovered that I'm autistic, and even though I'm not that much on the spectrum and I'm fully functioning and everything, reading people is not my cup of tea, i might've misunderstood everything
And another thing before tldr: i know that some of you are gonna tell me "if you're not sure she likes you then she doesn't" or "it should be easy to know" or something like that, but i just can't "forget" her, I suck (in the specific case) and i know it, but i just can't get over it for some reason
TlDR:
Im not sure how to feel about this girl (yes another one of those posts)