u/notmyrealaccountlol8

My ex (M33) and I (F30) are working to build a stronger relationship and hopefully get back together (we each communicate differently and have opposing inherent beliefs built from our childhood and reinforced by our unhealthy relationship patterns together - probably). It’s been a process, but I’ve been optimistic about the change I’m seeing in myself and how I communicate and that is something he recognizes as well. We are not technically dating but at the very least it’s essentially a situationship. He feels emotionally safer not having to fully commit as I tend to make him feel unloved and he can mentally give our relationship more leeway to work through our issues.

One thing that has been difficult for me in this situationship process is his ongoing friendship with a previous ex that he cheated on me with and that, at least in my eyes, is still obviously in love with him and wants to be more than friends with him. He knows that their ongoing friendship is something that I struggle with and that I would not be ok with long term (she is autistic and has been hyper-fixated on him for years now and has said she could never be just friends with him). He has said it would make him uncomfortable if she tried to be more than friends with him but until then, he will treat her as his friend.

We had a tough argument come up on Tuesday that resulted in him needing to have space to think. We reconnected yesterday and talked through the argument successfully together with takeaways for ourselves and each other, but I did find out that he spent Friday night with his ex at his new house where they watched a movie. He said that he got his house so he could have people stay over, so he invited her to stay the night. They slept in the same bed on opposite sides. At one point, she asked to if he wanted to cuddle, he said no, and apparently that was the end of the conversation. The next day, everything was normal between them.

I think I have trouble here with two things: he told me he knew that she would probably ask for cuddles, and asking for cuddles feels a step beyond a regular friendship to me, especially since they’re exes and I know she is still interested in him. He seems to not see it that way and when I reminded him that he told me he would be uncomfortable if she tried to be more than friends, he couldn’t remember ever saying that. I asked him to clarify his boundary again to me where he would be uncomfortable with her, and he said it would be an issue if she was upset he said no or if she cuddled him anyway despite saying no.

I feel uncomfortable in what feels like a change of his boundaries to me and his willingness to test their friendship boundary by sleeping in the same bed with her (knowing she may ask this and that he has a very comfortable couch). I feel like overall he has poor boundaries with his ex (as an ex he’s currently sleeping with it just adds more fuel to my mental spin out about this) and I don’t know how I, or if I should, even reconcile these feelings.

Are his boundaries with his ex reasonable and I’m overreacting due to our past and current relationship ambiguity or should I have a follow-up conversation with him regarding my comfortability with his boundaries regarding his ex?

TL;DR: My ex and I are trying to reconcile our relationship and work on our issues. He hung out with his ex gf that he sees as a friend at his house, she spent the night in the same bed, and asked him if he wanted to cuddle (which he assumed she would ask). Am I being unreasonable by being bothered by this? Should I even be dealing with this high school level drama?