Any of you ever got too infatuated with your psychiatrist?
I’m in a deeply vulnerable place right now, and I’m honestly embarrassed even writing this.
I have almost no real support outside my family. I have zero close friends. Over the past few years, I’ve gone through one traumatic experience after another, and I also went through a divorce recently. On top of that, I hate my job. I’m very good at it and it pays well, so I’m stuck with it, but there is nothing else about it that I actually like.
I first started seeing my psychiatrist because I was dealing with palpitations and a lot of trauma-related distress. I still remember that at the beginning he asked me to get an ECG, and even in those early appointments I could feel a huge difference in how I felt before seeing him versus after. I would go in feeling utterly overwhelmed and leave feeling calmer. Over time, I think I developed some kind of infatuation or attachment or transference, whatever you call it.
He has no role in this except being the amazing person he is. He has always been professional, principled, and appropriate. He was just doing his job. He has no role in what I’m feeling. This is coming from me and from how starved I am for this kind of connection in real life.
What makes this so painful is that I don’t really have anyone around me who feels as kind, intelligent, emotionally sensitive, and understanding as he does. Something about his voice and the way he smiles when he looks at me. My family is my only support, and I’m grateful for them, but they’re fairly simple people and I often feel profoundly alone at the level of emotional and intellectual depth I need. Being around someone who felt calm, sharp, kind, and deeply understanding affected me more than I expected.
I know I don’t actually know him as a real person outside the professional setting. I know I may be idealizing him. I know therapy can intensify these feelings. But it still hurts. It hurts because it feels like I will never meet anyone like that in real life, and I know I can’t have that kind of relationship with him.
I’ve already requested a transfer because I think the attachment was becoming too painful. Last night I even had a dream where I was in his office and just fell asleep there while he worked. Nothing romantic or sexual happened in the dream. I just slept. Even that feels sad to me, like my mind is just clinging to the feeling of safety and relief I feel when I’m near him.
Has anyone else experienced this with a psychiatrist or therapist? How did you deal with it? How do you come to terms with the feeling that you’ll never be understood that way in real life?