u/mla24

Posting on behalf of a friend …

My (F20) sister (F18, almost 19) will be starting at my university this upcoming semester. Our whole lives she has been concerningly childish compared to her peers in a way where her dopamine desires take precedence over ANYTHING remotely responsible unless she enjoys that responsible thing. My family used to believe that she would develop over time into a more mature person but over the years in K-12 she has routinely failed even the most basic and easy classes. We don’t believe she has an intellectual disability (I believe she’s been tested for this) but she hasn’t grown out of these problems. She fails her classes every year and when we ask her about it she says she doesn’t know. We’ve been giving her solutions our whole lives but she either doesn’t follow them at all or follows an extremely watered down version of the advice and complains it doesn’t work. She has a variety of self-induced problems (health, work, adulting, etc) caused by unhealthy habits (extremely imbalanced diet or just not eating and not maintaining healthy habits).

Recently she stayed with me and visited my university for a weekend to simulate her student life here. This was supposed to be a learning experience so after, I asked her what she learned about how she might be as a student. As always, she stared at me blankly like she didn’t know what I was talking about and shrugged it off saying she didn’t know. I tried not to get upset because she always does it and I tried to be patient with her but whenever she’s prompted to critically evaluate herself in any way, she never does it. All she ever has substantial thoughts about are her hobbies (comics, drawing, nature, etc).

When I confronted her about conceptualizing her academic habits (studying, health eating, etc), she immediately got overwhelmed and did not want to continue the conversation but we did nonetheless. She was crying because of how overwhelmed the thought of being responsible is but (this is the main problem) she is truly the most stubborn person when it comes to her life’s non-negotiables i.e. she wants to major in a difficult major and is currently in community college for her gen eds but even those classes are deteriorating her health and mental well being. The reasonable ultimatum is that she either change her major to something easier or develop good habits that will ease her stress and she won’t do

either after years of talking to her about it. She is somehow simultaneously convinced that her life will go to shit because she can’t be responsible but also won’t do what’s necessary to alleviate the stress of work (change her major or develop good habits, she won’t do either).

She is also heavily affecting our family, specifically me, with her situation. For example, she constantly complains that her stomach hurts too much to eat, she’s too tired to stay up (past 7pm) but too restless to sleep and says she lacks energy to do anything. She always comes to me for advice because she likes how logical and honest I am about it and I tell her exactly what I think: stress, gastritis, drinking too much coffee and not eating enough, xyz. She either denies these are true or tells me she has been “trying” the solutions but she hasn’t been trying them correctly. Still she wails to us and we responds because we care about her but I believe she carries such a childish mindset and will severely stunt her academic progress in university. Honestly, I don’t think she will flourish in a situation where she has to be independent (she also told me she would not) but she won’t do anything else in this world because she’s dead set on a cybersecurity degree (she loves creative writing but refuses to do an english/writing degree because she doesn’t think it’s “cool”).

She is truly stubborn and has even put our comfort at risk to maintain her own pleasure seeking habits (they’re not dangerous, just unhealthy). I really can’t see a future where she succeeds when she won’t take actions necessary to progress in her adult life because she’s afraid to and too stubborn to. Is there something I haven’t tried yet or a way to help her even though she won’t help herself?

I want to be clear that I don’t think she’s an intentionally harmful person. She says she cant control her brain (I don’t know if this is a disability or ADHD or something or if she just needs to develop). Either way, we can’t afford medication and the school won’t provide it so she will have to undergo this unmedicated.

TLDR: I’m worried about my sister‘s development into adulthood because of how extremely immature and self-victimizing her mentality is. It is emotionally distressing to all of us including herself but she won’t do what’s necessary to become a responsible adult.