I’ve always thought I wanted a core friend group more than anything else, but every-time I spend time with friends I hate it. Why am I so dissatisfied with friendship and what can I do now?
I always thought I wanted friends. I did have good friends in the past, but I don’t speak to them as much anymore. I have this idealized version of a good friend group that never comes to pass. It’s not because they or I are bad people. I simply don’t enjoy hanging out with anyone. Every time I do try, I find it exhausting and performative. I’ve cycled through people of all sorts and I find it all so meaningless. I want something deeper and meaningful and they never provide any of that. Maybe I should really just be looking for a boyfriend if that’s the case. I don’t know anymore. I find having friends a waste of time at this point. I’m also told friends aren’t meant to fulfill that longing for a very deep connection, so maybe I’m searching for something that isn’t realistic. I once imagined having a core friend group who cares about one another the way a family does. I imagined living a full life just with friends and feeling cared for by one another in a deep and powerful way, I suppose, probably because I romanticized this idea of that core friend group. I thought I wanted that even more than I wanted a boyfriend, but now I just don’t think that’s possible anymore idk. I feel broken being unable to connect with other people who could be friends. Someone please help me make sense of this. It really is fucking with my sense of identity to realize my search for companionship in friends may have been pointless all along.
Tl;dr: I never enjoy hanging out with friends even though I’ve thought all I ever wanted in life was a good friend group. Am I looking in the wrong places for a deep connection of this sort?