39 year anniversary
Its the 39th year without my big brother.
In 1987 he and his best friend, decided that ending it was the alternative to whatever they were up against (dont really know, just cryptic notes left behind), I was 14, he was 17.
It fucked me up beyond belief. We only had about 18 months of him being fully back from a nightmare rehab that my parents put him in (18 months in rehab, a second mortgage on the house, family shame, you name it), and I loved having him back. He was the best goddamn big brother. He went full on awesome big brother after he got back from rehab, picking me up from school, going to movies, just hanging out....it was awesome and it made me feel the best I had ever felt. Then he left. No explanation, no warnings. He just fuckikg left me again, forever. Thats what I've been dealing wirh for 39 goddamn years. 39 yrs of questions, 39 yrs of anger, of loneliness, of longing for one more hug, one more talk, one more beat down. I miss him, and it hurts more every year.