Me (34f) and my partner (40m) have decided to elope with just 2 witnesses. Now BF’s witness wants to add more. Help?
Throwaway account as my fiancé is on reddit
TLDR: BF’s mom wants to add more people to our ceremony and how can we hold that boundary?
Me and partner have been together for 10 years and always like the idea of an elopement over a wedding. We have let our family know over the years this what we want and most seem ok with it.
Well we decided to actually do it this year. We originally planned on doing an international trip but the costs and logistics were too much and stressful. So we decided to do a small road trip to a special camping spot and have our friend be our officiant and one of witnesses be the hired photographer. Our state requires 2 witnesses and my partner wanted the other witnesses to be his mother.(single mother, dad is not in the picture).
We went back and forth on if its right to have his mother as a witness when i don’t have family in the ceremony and if my side of the family heard that his mother was a witness they would be hurt. We concluded that this is our elopement and if thats what my partner wants, the it is what it is, and TBH i think my family would be hurt but accept it, be understanding and be happy for us nonetheless.
So the final decision from us is it would be just the 2 witnesses and the officiant. We would cover all the travel/food/cabin costs for them. And we discussed all our reasons why we didn’t want any more with his mother.
Now to the problem: besides photographer, the officiant and my partner’s mother no one else knows.
My partner’s mother is now asking if his younger sister (33F) her kids (5yrs &3yrs) can be apart of the ceremony. To the point she told his sister already and is asking about accommodations for them. This definitely got my blood boiling.
My partner tends to be people pleaser and is non confrontational, and has a hard time enforcing boundaries even if they have been established.
Also, my partner’s family dynamic is his younger sister is the obvious favorite and is very self centered and selfish. There is also a deeply rooted sibling rivalry as my partner gets easily annoyed/hurt/offended by sister and mother just takes sister’s side/defense most times, to the point of dismissing my partners feelings. I could share stories about how her selfishness and how his mother’s favoritism has affected us but that is different post all together.
Now I am very assertive and can have uncomfortable conversations and reenforce boundaries, but in this case i feel it should come from my partner, as i would be the ‘bridezilla bad guy’ . But he doesn’t want to cause drama and just allow his sister to come, even if it bothers him. It has caused fights between is as i don’t want his sister and kids there also, I don’t want to pay for them, and i don’t want that sibling rivalry drama on our day.
I want my partner to feel for just that day it’s all about us and our witnesses (his mother) supporting that.
I suggested do a simple party next year after the elopement to share with friends and family that weren’t at the elopement as a way to include his sister and kids, but that isn’t enough for the mother.
How can i navigate my partner’s mother trying to ruin our elopement and encourage my partner to have the conversation of enforcing our boundaries we set?