A few weeks ago, my mother texted me around the holidays. I've been avoidant off and on for years, low contact. But for her to express some vague disappointment for my distance, without any hint of empathy or accountability.. anyway, I avoided acknowledging it.

But today.. idk, I was sentimental and buzzed. I genuinely do love her.

Her reponse though, set me off again.

Thank god I didn't hit send on my end, but her reponse rocked my fucking world. I typed this up.

To blame all problems during my childhood on one piece of shit along the way. To regret only a person to blame. No accountability.

This is messy. Ugly. The way I feel. Not a final draft.

I'm furious. I don't know what I'm hoping to do. Might delete later, but maybe sharing this will help.

Anything it takes not to hit send tonight. Church wants to, but I know better. I need to sleep on it, give it time.

My reponse:

"There's a lot to unpack, for sure.

It's difficult to begin.

Statements like, "There is no need to be afraid of us.." unsettle me. This brings me to thoughts that my perspective has yet to be fully considered.

I am overcome by reason to fear our reconnection. Fear for far more than the lack of safety I had while left in the care of awful men, awful strangers, and awful friends.

It's hard to imagine that you'd misinterpret my distance. I was only 16 years old when you told me to leave your home. "Giving me the option" to leave when I returned for my personal items, just after demanding that I get out of your house only a few weeks previously, does not absolve you of your abandonment and mistreatment of your 16 year old child.

Your child, who was practically abducted shortly thereafter, by a 19 year old adult. I, that child, who was forced into unimaginable terrors by that grown-ass adult, in order to maintain a roof over my head.

I, the adult, have been thouroughly disrespected as well. C---- inviting myself and my friend into your home in 2019 when we were both vulnerable and homeless, under the guise of kindness, promises of free lodging, a vehicle, and payment for our labor - only to truly have been coerced into traveling two states over, to be stuck without a vehical to speak of, nor any sort of compensation, as I and my friend complete 100's of lbs of laundry, endless piles of dishes, and hours of watching over your youngest children...

And you don't know why I keep my distance?

You and C---- abused and neglected your children. You restrained us with your arms, or held us to the floor with your bodies. You covered our mouths and noses with your hands to stop us crying due to pain and disregulation, be that pain caused by you or the world, it didn't matter. You did this until we lost conciousness. You allowed C---- to strangle me, to tackle me physically pinning me to the floor, to punch and kick me, to scream inches from my face. I had bruises, welts, cuts. This happened to my siblings too. You left me alone with your fucking infants for hours, for days, when I was barely old enough to care for myself - under 10 years old, and left alone. You'd disallow me the food you had bought for "the boys". I was repeatedly accused of things I did not do, and punished severely for "lying" despite my innocence. You smeared shit on A-----'s face when he was just a baby, and potty training, and shitting in his rug and rolling it up, because he was TERRIFIED of being caught and beaten for it. You treated him like a dog. You treated me like one too. You allowed this to happen to BABIES. CHILDREN. FUCKING PEOPLE.

Thank god I lied to you about what I did. You never fucking knew. I hid these children from so much of your bullshit cruelty. I mothered these children. I sucked at it, being that I was a child, but I still was there so much more than you. Even when you were home, you were drinking. You'd tell me off, a young child, powerless compared to you, and deny it the next day. I believe you when you say you don't remember these things, because you drank all the fucking time. You dieted me because I had fat on a body that was growing. You forced me to do extreme exercises, even when I puked. You shamed me for every interest I had. You critisized and belitted every dream that wasn't yours or handfed to me. I'm shorter and sicker than all my siblings because I was under nourished, neglected, and under imminent physical threat constantly. It didn't matter if I was good, honest, or kind. If you thought me bad, I'd suffer for it. Christ, you spanked and allowed your children to be spanked NAKED for YEARS and at times, in front of OTHER NONFAMILIAL ADULTS. Sick and twisted, disgusting, you made me act out my abuse in front of family friends when I told the other kids in the neighborhood about it. Through tears and sobbing, on my knees. You left me alone to be preyed upon by unsafe adults, by unsafe children. Did you know that C------ was assaulting me for years when he was living with us off and on? Did you notice? Or was the fact that all the men in the house, regardless of power dynamic or age, would comment on my breasts, going so far as to physically grab my ass, hold me down, grind on me, just fine with you?

You didn't make sure I had regular medical care. I didn't see a doctor for years after my infection in 2009/2010. Do you remember mocking me on the way to the mental hospital, barely a year and a half later? Did you ever stop to consider my pain and suffering weren't an attack on you, but a severe result of immense stress? Did you ever consider I was sick, instead of defiant? Was having me taken away from you to live with grandma during my mental health break not enough of a wake up call? You fucked up.

When I was vulnerable and being preyed upon at 16 years old - when I was completely lost to who I was - when the psychological homicide of my childhood was complete, and I was nothing but demands for autonomy and respect, sick of it all and wanting for death - you remeber how you told me to get the fuck out of your house? I left for weeks, to stay with my groomer, who you knew nothing about. Remember justifying my leaving with offering me a post-eviction "choice" to leave? Did you know that's illegal? You abandoned me.

And fuck you. You saw what S---- was doing to me, you pansy bitch. Repeated UTI's, bruises, unable to to fucking sit down at the dinner table, tonsil infection to the point of needing surgery, because guess what? S---- was raping your toddler's throat, and shoving his fingers inside her private parts during bathtime. I cried so loud. No way you didn't know. He'd lock me in that storage room with Schwep. He beat me in the yard. I practically lived at the babysitters, the neighbors, wherever wasn't home. I remember everything. Fuck you. "

Okay, so, I guess I'm introducing myself by jumping right into the thick of it.

My name is LTT. I just found out I was diagnosed with FND back on April 2nd of this year, during a neurology visit where, to my understanding, I had met yet another vague end to my treatment options. I had fought, as I often do, to have my symptoms be taken seriously. After talking some and completing several exams, the neurologist had brought FND up. However, they used words like "might be" and "we'll see" and "we'll keep an opening for you to return if there are any worsening/new symptoms that could point to FND"..

I had no idea that I'd been dx with anything! I had to find out through my new PT that I'd been sent to for Vertigo, under a misdiagnosis that - turns out, is very likely related to my brand new FN-fucking-D Diagnosis. I've been dx with BPPV for three years, without help - only to finally get that help, and be met with this shock.

Not only that, but come to find out, there's a whole wrap around services clinic in my area, specifically for those who are suspected to have FND! And I wasn't placed on any waitlist, given any refferal, nor told I was now saddled with this new diagnostic code..

I can't tell how I feel. Maybe sick, despite the irony.

Thanks for listening.

More details copied from a personal post below:

#05/04/26 LTT Appointment Log - PT for BPPV

On 03/13/26, one of the most severe episodes of Vertigo I've ever experienced sent me to the ER. On that day, I could not walk or move without triggering an intense spinning sensation, and this went on for over 3 hours. This led to an ambulance ride, and several hours of observation.

EMT Notes:

>!Bib amr from home sudden dizziness, blurred vision and loss of balance with syncopal episode w/o fall, leaning to right while walking...!<

>!...Hx vertigo, ptsd, panic attacks!<

And notes from the ER:

>!Neuro: ...Positive Dix-Hallpike on the left...!<

>!(LTT) is a 27-year-old ...presenting with dizziness that started at 11 AM. No focal deficits identified on examination. Positive Dix-Hallpike most suggestive of BPPV; patient also reports history of this. Less likely DDX includes somatic symptoms. No focal deficits to suggest TIA/CVA or headache to suggest ICH. Will treat with meclizine..!<

During my stay last March, it was noted in my chart that on 10/05/23 I had been diagnosed with BPPV. With this, some medication for my symptoms was given to me, and a few hours later, some maneuvers utilized for those in BPPV episodes were executed. Following the medication and the maneuvers, I was able to shuffle around enough to be discharged, and so it was concluded to have been a severe episode BPPV.

On 05/04/26 I had my follow up on my refferal to PT for Vertigo. During the appointment, I shared with the provider that I had been having episodes of dizziness and vertigo since I was quite young, around 12yrs old or so. I shared my history, as well as my most recent findings with my other providers. We talked for a while, and did several movement tests to determine if I truly was experiencing BPPV (previously dx by an otolaryngologyst: 10/05/23).

>!At my previous appointment in 2023, I was positive for "Dix-Hall Pike to the right", and for "...a few beats of nystagmus while moving from supine to seated...", which prompted the initial diagnosis.!< During this most recent appointment however, I was sent on my way, having shown no signs of BPPV during my exam.

My provider instead, noted this:

"(LTT) is a 28 year old person >!referred for vestibular PT for presumed BPPV. (LTT) reports of vestibular symptoms go back to their childhood but they presented to the ED in March of 2026 due to a prolonged episode of vertigo.!< Today, (LTT)'s oculomotor exam was unremarkable and their testing for BPPV was all negative. They were recently diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder by their neurologist and they were in agreement that their symptoms may be a manifestation of FND. (LTT) has had limited success in establishing with mental health providers as an adult but were open to being further evaluated for FND in the multidisciplinary clinic. I will request consideration for this referral from the neurologist as well as (LTT)'s PCP.

>!Given that there was no peripheral or vestibular cause identified for their vestibular symptoms, I will not plan to follow (LTT) for PT at this time."!<

For now I've removed the ICD-code for BPPV (H81.10) in my bio, and I've added the code for FND (F44.7) instead.

I guess where we go from here is toward a deeper investigation into the possibility that I am experiencing vertigo as a manifestation of FND. I'm both somewhat hopeful and somewhat hopeless.. this is not the road I expected to be on.

Will the dx of FND damn me, as it has many, many others in my reasearch and reading? Will it mean I get the more appropriate, wrap around care that I need?

We'll see.

(Last Updated: 22:23 05/06/26)