First pregnancy, intense guilt, and total loneliness after my boyfriend left
TL;DR: I’m 4 months pregnant with my first child and struggling with intense emotions (possibly BPD). I said extremely hurtful things to my boyfriend during an argument, and he decided to leave temporarily. I’ve been alone for 15 days, feeling overwhelmed, guilty, and deeply lonely during what should be an important moment in my life. We’re planning to start therapy, but I’m looking for advice on how to cope in the meantime and avoid hurting him again.
Hi everyone,
I’m posting here because I feel extremely alone and overwhelmed, and I don’t really know where to turn.
I think I might have borderline personality disorder (not officially diagnosed yet, but I relate to a lot of it), and I know I’ve been very difficult in my relationship. During arguments, I’ve said incredibly hurtful things to my boyfriend… including telling him that I wished he would die and suffer before dying. I feel horrible even writing that, because I know how wrong and damaging it is.
I’m currently 4 months pregnant with my first child, and instead of experiencing this as something joyful, I feel completely lost and isolated. After one of these episodes, my boyfriend decided to leave for a while. It’s not a definitive breakup, but he’s not with me right now. It’s been about 15 days, and I’ve been on my own ever since.
The loneliness is honestly the hardest part. This is my first pregnancy, and I imagined going through it with him, feeling supported, sharing everything… and instead I’m dealing with guilt, anxiety, and emptiness on my own. Some days it feels unbearable.
We’ve agreed to start therapy soon, which I really want, but right now I feel stuck between regret for what I said, fear of losing him, and fear of not being stable enough for my baby.
I guess I’m looking for advice:
- Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to repair the relationship?
- How do you cope with intense guilt and emotional instability, especially when you’re alone?
- How can I handle this kind of emotional state during a first pregnancy?
- What can I do right now to avoid hurting him (or anyone) again while we’re apart?
I really want to take responsibility and change. I just feel very alone right now.
Thank you for reading.